As Adam Sandler once sang, "someone kill me please". Your humble blogger does his best to write about the Royals twice a day for the entire 162 game season; which isn't easy considering the Royals are the worst team in baseball and on many nights aren't even half-way interesting. Most of the time Royals Review isn't very good and is often repetitive (or is it the Royals that are?). Still, we've had some moments around here, but I doubt I'll ever get "the call" from any major news source/site, or even from someone out in Scott City, KS for that matter.

Meanwhile, Jenn Sterger now writes for Sports Illustrated's dot.com site. You may remember the stir Sterger caused last fall, rising to internet celebrity status after a) appearing on the camera during an FSU football game, followed by Brent Musberger quipping something to the effect of "many red-blooded American men just applied to Florida State", this subsequently led to b) the Deadspin linkage to her facebook page, which included numerous pictures of her and her friends. Pictures like this:

Obviously, this is someone who needs a job in journalism. This is someone who needs a regular column. I'm frankly surprised SI snatched her up before Atlantic Monthly or The New Yorker or The New Republic did. To say nothing of ESPN.com or FOXSPORTS.com.

The saddest thing of all is (well, beyond the fact that I care) that she's probably not even "writing" these responses in any sustained sense, as they're likely ghost written from telephone or email correspondences by some intern at SI.com. Hey, if thats the way it rolls for Supreme Court justices, do you really doubt it for Sterger? Then again, do exchanges such as these really need to be faked?:

My girlfriend is pretty hot, but the other day a friend of mine who makes less money than me and is not much to look at showed up with a babe totally hotter than mine. Is it time for an upgrade, or am I just being immature? -- Mike, Seattle

It never ceases to amaze me how guys use women and money as a means of validating their existence and their place in society to one another. Sheesh. Sometimes men remind me of dogs -- they feel the need to constantly mark their territory to show dominance over one another. (I guess women are fortunate that men don't do it the same way.) Honestly, did you ever think that maybe there is more to women than their looks? Sure, your friend's date could have been hotter than yours, but was said girl the least bit intelligent, or was she strictly a piece of arm candy to elevate his status among the fellas in the group? Your girl may not be as hot, but there had to be something that attracted you to her in the first place, like intelligence, sense of humor, personality? So consider yourself the lucky one, because at least your date can form complete sentences and not spend the entire night contemplating the difference between chicken and fish.

Then again, God could simply think he did you a good enough favor giving you the better job, so the less hot girl is simply a trade-off. You can't have it all, my friend.

Right. Thank God SI is giving this discussion column space.

In other news, the Joey Gathright Era began with a bang last night, as All-Star Candidate Mark Teahen blasted a game-winning two run homer in the bottom of the 8th to propel the Royals to victory. Teahen redeemed himself after an earlier night of miscues in the field and on the basepaths.

To honor Teahen, I shall post this picture of him homering last season:

The beloved Gathright (sounds like the villian in a Jane Austen or P.G. Woodhouse novel) managed two singles, including one of the bunt-variety. This prompted numerous mentions of the horrifying effect his speed has on all pitchers, infielders and small children. Probably in our lifetime 100 pitchers will commit suicide or go insane due to the emotional stress caused by the mere existence of Gathright. Most importantly, after beginning the day at .201, his two singles raised his average to .210, meaning the Royals are spared of having a sub .200 hitter in the lineup for at least three more days.

Most importantly, the Royals insured themselves of a series victory, and go for the rare Sweep! tonight at the K. With the win, Buddy Bell raised his career managerial record to 409-579, and raised the Royal winning percentage this season to a salty .300.

Well done Buddisimo, we shall honor you with a career retrospective in two weeks when you manage your 1,000th game. In your long and distinguished career, you have earned every one of those games in the manager's seat, and every single penny you've been paid. Those lifers managing away in the Minor Leagues, all those guys who never got a break, were never given a shot, never even given a chance. You prove every day that you've earned it and they haven't. You are an example of the supreme justice and fairness bestowed upon life by our benevolent Creator.

And sincerest congrats to Buddy on another 100% correct job on the lineup card last night! He's got a streak going!!

Buddy Bell: Managing::Jenn Sterger:Writing

Jenn thinks:"My next column will reexamine Voros McCracken's controversial DIPS Study -- Defense Independent Pitching Statistics -- using a different regression formula and additional data concerning park factors. The second-half of the column will ponder: who is the hottest Royal?"

... As thoughts of Buddy asking DeJesus and Grudz to bunt threatens to send me over the edge.