editor's note: today's article guest blogged by Clem Shepherd
Do you ever have them dreams where you keep livin' the same horrific event over and over again? I believe they call 'em recurring nightmares, or some phrase all scientific-y like that.
Well, I have a recurring nightmare, and his name is Marbotty, that shit-for-brains feller who seems to fashion he's a Royals expert or somethin', and who keeps asking me to save his rump whenever he needs content for one of these "sports blag" hoohahs they do on the internets.
Now, he's a "royal expert" alright: an expert at being a royal pain in my tuckus. And by that I mean my hind-quarters. And in case you still don't follow me, I'm talking about my derriere. (That's for all you damn francophones. )
Anyway, Marbotty compiled a list of players, and their statistics, and asked me to write a bit about them. Like I ain't got nothing better to do.
Well, I don't. But that's only because I'm 78 years old and got a bum ticker. That's also why I didn't kick his rear to Santa Fe. (Although, I figure I could still kick it to Albuquerque.)
Anyway, let's just get this over with.
1. Michael Moustakas
Drafted: 1st Round, 2007 Position: SS Key Stats: .293/.383/.439 Team: Idaho Falls Chukars
Now, I admit I didn't know who this Moustakas character was, so I asked Clem, Jr. to look him up for me on one of her internet-mails. Well, she learned me a couple of things.
First, it turns out he was the number 2 overall pick in this year's draft.
(Talk about digging deep to find an "intriguing" minor leaguer - you're a regular Alfred Einstein, Marbotty.)
Okay, second, it turns out that a group of young folks have started calling him Moose Tacos. Now, they probably came up with that name in jest, but it weren't too funny to me.
See, back in '68 I found myself stranded up in the northern territories, and as luck would have it, I got to sample some of the local cuisine. That's why I can tell you firsthand that while Moose Tacos might taste purty good, it ain't worth the Moose Squirts you get the next day. And if you don't follow me, I'm talking about my hind-quarters again.
It might as well read "Montezuma's Revenge" on their shirts, for all I'm concerned
Off topic: found out that the feller pictured below kicked off the season with a rousing speech during the opening game for Idaho Falls. Seemed to be a pretty savvy political move, if you want my gosh-to-honest opinion. You know how it goes: you win over minor-league-baseball-watching-Idahoans, you win over the nation.
Alright. Back to baseball. Who's next? 2. Peter Mitchell Hodge Nielsen
Drafted: 4th Round, 2007 Position: P Key Stats: 4.24 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, 35 K's in 42 innings Team: AZL Royals
Well, to be honest I don't know what's so damn intriguing about this kid. The only thing even remotely interesting about him is that he's Canadian and that he's got 4 names. Well, guess what Mr. Maple Leaf, I've got five names: "Clem I Hate Canadians Shepherd." So put that in your bat and cork it.
Shucks, though. What the hell kinda name is that, anyway? He's probably the type of guy that goes around using made up words like "tally-ho" or "dilly-dally" or "thesaurus." The type of guy whose favorite sport is croquet, and who wears a sweater tied over a white polo while washing his car. The type of guy that uses napkins and washes his hands after using "the loo." You know, the type of guy that thinks he's better than Clem Shepherd.
Well, he's not, or my middle name ain't "I Hate Canadians."
3. Sam Runion
Drafted 2007, 2nd Round Position: P Key Stats: 51 k's in 51 innings, 3:1 K:BB ratio Team: AZL Royals
You know, I came down with a case of the Runions once. Ol' Doc Parsons said it was incurable. This chapped my hide since it meant I wouldn't be able to ride out to Cheyenne to see my sweet Tess.
So, I came up with my own cure for this supposedly incurable disease when I fried up some lard and shallots together and smeared the concoction on my ailing feet. Well, wouldn't you know it, but that durned thing worked like a charm, and I was off in no time.
Of course, Ol' Doc came across town to investigate, and after he saw what I had done, ended up marketing my wondercure as a sort of ring-shaped, shallot-based equivalent to the common potato chip. Durned thing sold like hot cakes.
Talk about throwing science down the drain for the sake of personal glory, though.
4. Angel Berroa
Drafted: 1999 Position: SS Key Stats: .300/.364/.433 8 hrs Team: Omaha Royals
Hate to admit it, but this was another youngster I hadn't heard of before. From the looks of it, though, I bet fans in KC can't wait for him to get called up. A .300 hitter with power? At shortstop?!
Don't worry, kid. You'll get your first taste of the bigs soon enough. And based on your current production, I reckon you'll have a purty good chance at winning yourself a little hardware when you do.
Help is here soon, Kansas City!
5. Mike Stodolka
Drafted 2000, 1st Round Position: 1B Key Stats: .291/.402/.462 73:91 BB:K ratio Team: Wichita Wranglers
You know, this actually is one of the more exciting guys in the Royals system. He was initially drafted to pitch for the R's back at the turn of the century, but he couldn't hack it and started playing first base. And by the looks of things, he's done alright for himself.
Mike Stodolka, shown warming up in 2002
It's a regular Horatio Alger story, except without the whole destitution part. (Don't ask me what that means -- Clem Jr. printed it off from something called "Wikipedia," which I imagine must be some sort of space encyclopedia that the Ewoks use.)
Back to Stodolka. Now, if I were Buddy Bell, I'd be lobbying Dayton More to bring him up to the major leagues as quickly as possible. That way, I could keep him on the bench for the rest of his season/career, so as to teach the kid a thing or two about trying and another thing or two about how much I hate him. (I reckon he's a Canadian. Sounds like one, anyway. )