Subtitled: "We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow"

This is predicated off of the Star's picture of Jacobs, in which KC Chris and I surmised that Jacobs was trying his hand at showtunes.  So, I figured that a one-act musical might be the best way for me to chronicle my feelings on the Jacobs-for-Nunez trade.  Hopefully this doesn't violate Will's policy of centering the trade discussion in one thread.  In any case, enjoy!

Cut to: Royals' front office. Dayton Moore is at his desk, JJ Picollo walks in.

Picollo:

Still hard at work, boss?
Why not look on the bright side,
Last season was not a total loss.
Your leadership has not been decried.

Greinke, Aviles, and Kila, too
All these players are improving
And though Guillen has joined our crew
You may yet win us a Series ring

Moore:

Yet even though better times are ahead
There are those who want us feathered and tarred
They look at our motley collection of batters with dread
Who thought finding a slugger would be so hard?

Picollo:

What about that Butler kid?

Moore (abruptly):

That Butler kid is a tub of lard.

Picollo:

Or...maybe that Gordon batter
He's George Brett's long-lost son, you know
He can't hit lefties, but does that matter?

That just means he has room to grow

Moore:

Gordon has disappointed me
As has your predecessor, Deric Ladnier
So I showed him the door, verily,
I'll also to Gordon if his potential is still unclear

Picollo:
So why not make a trade?
Pitching is the currency of baseball, you say,
So use it to help our lineup make the grade
Do it! Before Grudzielanek's hair turns gray...

Moore:

We're getting rid of Grudz, did you get the memo?
But you're right, a trade will do us some good
We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow...
To find him and bring him to our neighborhood

Picollo and Moore, in unison:

We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow...
But who it is, we just don't know!

End scene. Cut to: Kauffman Stadium's clubhouse

Hillman:

Dear Jesus, I pray to you
For guidance, wisdom, and home field victories
For patience, justice, and Big League Chew
And for someone to handle Jose Guillen with eeeeeeeease

But now I ask for one thing more
For a batter who will ignite our lineup
Who will drive in runs and run up the score
And who will drive our win percentage up

*overhears Moore and Picollo singing in the front office, and rushes in*

Dear gentlemen, I was just speaking to God
It was a weird feeling, like I had just drank six gins
And I felt we should look where others have not trod
Why not call up our friends with the Marlins?

Picollo:

Who could the Marlins have that we possibly need?
I mean, besides that Uggla fellow, or Josh the outfielder?
(McCain's been rubbing off on me, curse my news feed!)
And why work with Loria, that stingy art dealer?

Moore:

I have it! I got it! I am such a darned smarty
Mike Jacobs will be our new first baseman in 2009
With him in the lineup, we can throw us a party
And he'll put that wussy boy Butler back into line

Picollo:

What happened to OBP, what happened to walks?
This Jacobs character hits doubles and home runs galore
But before we start talks
Do I need to preach to you about what plate discipline is for?

Hillman:

Aw, cork it, old JJ, you're not any fun
We need more batters who will often go deep
So to me, it seems, how the story may be spun
Is if we acquire this Jacobs fool on the cheap

Hillman and Picollo leave, Moore calls Michael Hill, the Florida GM

Moore:

Mr. Hill, my good friend, I have a proposition for you
As you know, I am in need of more offense
I would like to obtain Mike Jacobs for my boys in blue
...even though my #2 says that it makes little sense

I'll give you Carlos Rosa
He's a very top prospect
From him, strikeouts, and ground balls,
And wins are what to expect

Sure, he's been injured,
Sure he's had Tommy John,
But the doctors say he'll be cured
And boy, you should see him pitch when he's on

Oh? That doesn't cut it?
I am rather surprised
Rosa was bait I thought would be bit
But his value to you is not what I surmised

Well, how about this young Nunez chap?
Sure, he has been injured as well
But his future unfolds like a neat little map
He could be your closer, though time will only tell

You say yes? Wow, that was awful quick
It makes me wonder if I've missed something here
Was it that OBP thing? No my instincts are slick...
No matter, I have by slugger, which calls for great cheer!

Cut to: Florida Marlins front office. GM Hill calls Mike Jacobs in for a talk

Hill:

Mike, you hit over thirty homers this year
So you are probably due for one hefty raise
Except Loria is Scrooge-like with the money he holds dear
I truly think that man might have a malaise

Whatever, that's not why I called you here
I traded you to the Royals, where you can still rake
Dayton Moore's offer grabbed me by the ear
And so I offered them you for all I could take

Jacobs:

I've been traded to the Royals?!
Oh, for fuck's sake...

*Curtain*