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Mike Jacobs: The Musical

Subtitled: "We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow"

This is predicated off of the Star's picture of Jacobs, in which KC Chris and I surmised that Jacobs was trying his hand at showtunes.  So, I figured that a one-act musical might be the best way for me to chronicle my feelings on the Jacobs-for-Nunez trade.  Hopefully this doesn't violate Will's policy of centering the trade discussion in one thread.  In any case, enjoy!

Cut to: Royals' front office. Dayton Moore is at his desk, JJ Picollo walks in.

Picollo:

Still hard at work, boss?
Why not look on the bright side,
Last season was not a total loss.
Your leadership has not been decried.

Greinke, Aviles, and Kila, too
All these players are improving
And though Guillen has joined our crew
You may yet win us a Series ring

Moore:

Yet even though better times are ahead
There are those who want us feathered and tarred
They look at our motley collection of batters with dread
Who thought finding a slugger would be so hard?

Picollo:

What about that Butler kid?

Moore (abruptly):

That Butler kid is a tub of lard.

Picollo:

Or...maybe that Gordon batter
He's George Brett's long-lost son, you know
He can't hit lefties, but does that matter?

That just means he has room to grow

Moore:

Gordon has disappointed me
As has your predecessor, Deric Ladnier
So I showed him the door, verily,
I'll also to Gordon if his potential is still unclear

Picollo:
So why not make a trade?
Pitching is the currency of baseball, you say,
So use it to help our lineup make the grade
Do it! Before Grudzielanek's hair turns gray...

Moore:

We're getting rid of Grudz, did you get the memo?
But you're right, a trade will do us some good
We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow...
To find him and bring him to our neighborhood

Picollo and Moore, in unison:

We need a hitter whose OBP doesn't blow...
But who it is, we just don't know!

End scene. Cut to: Kauffman Stadium's clubhouse

Hillman:

Dear Jesus, I pray to you
For guidance, wisdom, and home field victories
For patience, justice, and Big League Chew
And for someone to handle Jose Guillen with eeeeeeeease

But now I ask for one thing more
For a batter who will ignite our lineup
Who will drive in runs and run up the score
And who will drive our win percentage up

*overhears Moore and Picollo singing in the front office, and rushes in*

Dear gentlemen, I was just speaking to God
It was a weird feeling, like I had just drank six gins
And I felt we should look where others have not trod
Why not call up our friends with the Marlins?

Picollo:

Who could the Marlins have that we possibly need?
I mean, besides that Uggla fellow, or Josh the outfielder?
(McCain's been rubbing off on me, curse my news feed!)
And why work with Loria, that stingy art dealer?

Moore:

I have it! I got it! I am such a darned smarty
Mike Jacobs will be our new first baseman in 2009
With him in the lineup, we can throw us a party
And he'll put that wussy boy Butler back into line

Picollo:

What happened to OBP, what happened to walks?
This Jacobs character hits doubles and home runs galore
But before we start talks
Do I need to preach to you about what plate discipline is for?

Hillman:

Aw, cork it, old JJ, you're not any fun
We need more batters who will often go deep
So to me, it seems, how the story may be spun
Is if we acquire this Jacobs fool on the cheap

Hillman and Picollo leave, Moore calls Michael Hill, the Florida GM

Moore:

Mr. Hill, my good friend, I have a proposition for you
As you know, I am in need of more offense
I would like to obtain Mike Jacobs for my boys in blue
...even though my #2 says that it makes little sense

I'll give you Carlos Rosa
He's a very top prospect
From him, strikeouts, and ground balls,
And wins are what to expect

Sure, he's been injured,
Sure he's had Tommy John,
But the doctors say he'll be cured
And boy, you should see him pitch when he's on

Oh? That doesn't cut it?
I am rather surprised
Rosa was bait I thought would be bit
But his value to you is not what I surmised

Well, how about this young Nunez chap?
Sure, he has been injured as well
But his future unfolds like a neat little map
He could be your closer, though time will only tell

You say yes? Wow, that was awful quick
It makes me wonder if I've missed something here
Was it that OBP thing? No my instincts are slick...
No matter, I have by slugger, which calls for great cheer!

Cut to: Florida Marlins front office. GM Hill calls Mike Jacobs in for a talk

Hill:

Mike, you hit over thirty homers this year
So you are probably due for one hefty raise
Except Loria is Scrooge-like with the money he holds dear
I truly think that man might have a malaise

Whatever, that's not why I called you here
I traded you to the Royals, where you can still rake
Dayton Moore's offer grabbed me by the ear
And so I offered them you for all I could take

Jacobs:

I've been traded to the Royals?!
Oh, for fuck's sake...

*Curtain*

 

5 recs | Comment 26 comments

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didnt read it

but I know that you have WAAAAAAY too much free time

by GoBabies!! on Oct 30, 2008 6:10 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

I agree

Don't forget to send your broken maples to the US Forest Service.

by 306008 on Oct 31, 2008 12:46 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

by kcscoliny on Oct 30, 2008 6:33 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

I actually think this is outstanding. Rec'd

I am disturbed by the increase in poetry and showtunes, but let’s face it, baseball itself is nerdy enough, and with enough stathead types running around these pars, it’s unlikely this is going to lower the testosterone levels any more…

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Oct 30, 2008 10:39 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

keep in mind

that the two most recent contributors of dramatic literature to RR (NYRoyal and myself) live in anti-America parts of America. We are clearly too busy subverting this great country to worry about lowering any testosterone levels.

by DarthYoshi on Oct 31, 2008 10:58 AM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

showtunes!!!!!!!!

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Oct 30, 2008 10:39 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

What Show?

I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.

by philofthenorth on Oct 30, 2008 10:44 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Damned OBP

Whatever Damon wants, Damon gets….

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Oct 30, 2008 11:26 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Dear gentlemen, I was just speaking to God
It was a weird feeling, like I had just drank six gins
And I felt we should look where others have not trod
Why not call up our friends with the Marlins?

by royalsreview on Oct 31, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

I like it.

Good work.

Don't Stop Believing!

by KC Chris on Oct 31, 2008 1:49 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

let's hope it ends better for the Royals, though

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Nov 1, 2008 2:09 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

A late congratulations for this epic masterpiece

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Nov 1, 2008 3:16 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

+1

Waiting for a 90+ win season

by RoyalsFanInMarinerTown on Nov 1, 2008 8:11 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Perhaps they are counting on Seitzer

To teach Jacobs some patience.

Waiting for a 90+ win season

by RoyalsFanInMarinerTown on Nov 1, 2008 8:11 PM EDT reply reply actions actions   0 recs

I'm sure they are hopeful that Seitzer will help him in that regard

But I don’t think they are stupid enough to think that a hitting coach will necessarily (or even likely) improve his plate discipline and OBP. I think Moore just doesn’t get the relative importance of OBP, and defense for that matter.

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Nov 1, 2008 8:56 PM EDT to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Wasn't Everyone Afraid

Moore overvalued defense at first? Same for Hillman? I’ll bet they both mourn the demise of this stat:
http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=53&threadid=485

I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.

by philofthenorth on Nov 2, 2008 2:49 PM EST to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

weird

i’ve never heard of that site, but liked the topic. Just to to see what else they offered, I clicked on a random thread there about the Smashing Pumpkins which was originally started in 2000 and gets commented on about an average of twice a year — there was a gap of 6 years at one point. but then the most recent post was… 40 seconds ago… odd coincidence

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Nov 4, 2008 1:56 PM EST to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Just Another Google

Search.

I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.

by philofthenorth on Nov 5, 2008 11:52 PM EST to parent up reply reply actions actions   0 recs

Sorta like a 21st century version of Damn Yankees

well done

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Nov 4, 2008 1:45 PM EST reply reply actions actions   0 recs

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