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Decision 2008: Nicknaming Jose Guillen, or, Won't Someone Please Think of the (Bleep)ing Babies?

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"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. - 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' - Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

--Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

 

Many players have captured the hearts and minds of Royals fans over the years -- Brett, Saberhagen, Harvey... the list goes on. But rarely have such players _embodied_ the wild emotional swings of fans so well as the man whom we nickname now: Jose Guillen. Read on for what must be considered as we undertake the next stage in our arduous journey.

 

 


 

Star-divide

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Rany has not risen to the moment as required by his own nicknaming challenge. Indeed, why should Royals fans "keep 'em coming" to him if he can't keep up. Of course, that's not a relevant issue anyway, since he's a latecoming pretender to the Royals Blogosphere. "Baseball Prospectus." What have they ever done? And, no, Rany, we didn't make fun of your hair -- indeed,  it speaks for itself. You're obviously a little upset that we had the foresight to nickname Mike "Avilanche" Aviles (although I am apparently too stupid to figure out how to close the poll). None of them grab you, you say? Well, grab this. (And that's what we said.)

 

But we're not here to discuss androgenic alopecia. You think it's uncalled for? You were the one who brought up the Baseball Prospectus hairstyle, Dr. Pimple Popper, we were the ones trying to nickname the Royals. So let's move on, shall we?

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We know that Jose Guillen can hit the baseball. Hard. (OK, maybe not in April). But he's been carrying the Royals less-than-dominating offense since then. He also takes a firm moral stand. He will tolerate no excuses for those who would use performance enhancing drugs -- not even from players who, like himself, hail from Latin America. Elsewhere, he has said of steroids: "That is something I never considered in my life... You're ruining your whole career. You're ruining your reputation. This really is hurting baseball right now, the image of the game." (Um, just ignore the rest of the article.) So, look out PED users! Jose Guillen has come all the way from the D. R. to kick ass, take names, hit home runs, and, yes, Defend Our (Bleep)ing National Innocence! The hobgoblin of little minds (pictured right), indeed!

But Guillen's heroic outspokenness and role-modelism don't stop there! Guillen was ready to don the classic powder blue immediately, and he certainly seemed to be Whitman-esque in his  largeness and multitude-holding-capacity. And who will ever forget his classic "(bleep)ing babies" rant? Not Royals fans, for sure. Fans quickly lined up to support the "fire" of the new Royals who has quickly become the favorite of many. Only a curmudgeon could have a problem with such a courageous display of soul-searching and leadership ability.

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Such grumpy-grumps are missing the point, however. Whatever problems Guillen might have, he can  hit the ball. But, as we all know, "statistically measurable performance" and whatnot is all relatively meaningless in the face of fire, leadership, and grit. And Jose Guillen seems to have those in abundance. Sure, he might complain about how his teammates aren't working hard enough and then lope to first base. He might tell the fans what to do with themselves when they boo him for said loping. But he's ready to apologize to get back in our good graces. And who are we not to accept the apology? It's not like he's done anything crazy before or has a background of ugly endings and longstanding grudges. I'm sure this will work out just fine. Moreover, isn't that just like us as fans? One minute, there's a 12-game losing streak, people are calling for heads and jumping off the bandwagon (although I'm not sure there ever was a 2008 Royals bandwagon). The next, the team is on an NL-abetted winning streak and fans are saying that it will be the greatest injustice since the segregation of baseball if Jose doesn't make the All-Star team ahead of Milton

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Bradley, Josh Hamilton, Magglio Ordonez, Marcus Thames, B. J. Upton, Curtis Granderson, J. D. Drew, and the rest. So who are we to judge? Guillen's streakiness matches his moods, and both match perfectly with the Royals and their fans.

Over in the original nicknaming thread, where we're still taking suggestions for players (although I don't know how long that post will be easily available from the front page --perhaps we should start doing it here), a number of good suggestions were posted. They were all so good (as in: they still make me chuckle when I read them), in fact, that I can honestly say that I don't have a favorite. I hope I get all the attributions and names right (and you people had plenty of time!), and here are the nominees:

In a tribute to the beloved former Self-Appointed Team Effort Inspector of the Royals, Scott Elarton, RoyalsRetro suggests Team Baby Inspector.

74_hunts_20manwh_mediumMarbotty, apparently impressed with Guillen's rigorous off-season regimen, nominates Manwich.

Top Ramen came up with Samsonite, because Guillen is "capable of carrying his teammates, but also has a reputation of having a lot of baggage."

philofthenorth's clever pen put forth JoGui, pronounced, "hoagy"

And NHZ, I believe, nominated Jome Run Jose.

There are so many great people throughout history who cast aside expectations to set new standards of excellence. They are so often misunderstood. As Emerson wrote: "Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh." To this list we can add Jose Guillen. It is up to us to make sure he has the greatest nickname of any of them.

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Poll
What should Jose Guillen's nickname be?
  • Team Baby Inspector
  • Manwich
  • Samsonite
  • JoGui (pronounced "hoagy")
  • Jome Run Jose

  142 votes | Results

3 recs | Comment 47 comments

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Comments

Display:

Haha.

Thanks. I’m not sure I’ll ever top your “Yankees fans overreacting to the sun,” one of the classic comments of the season, so I appreciate the encouragement. But the great thing about Jose is that he is so unpredictable enough that he might really like something like this. As Shane Costa would say, “u never know.”

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jun 29, 2008 1:47 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

psssh

I thought you would’ve learned from Kietzman that Jose don’t give a (bleep) about the fans, almost as much as he doesn’t give a (bleep) about taking quotes in context!

"I never really said most of the things I said." - Yogi Berra

by loyal2theroyals on Jun 30, 2008 11:53 AM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I voted for JoGui

but I’m wondering if changing the spelling to “hoagie” wouldn’t be more effective. It still lampoons the A-Rod, J-Rol theory of nicknaming and has the added benefit of a nod toward Guillen’s early season weight issues.

by stuckinstl12 on Jun 30, 2008 10:14 AM EDT   0 recs

Somehow,

I have a feeling that “Jome Run, Jose!!!” makes a better catchphrase than a nickname.

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jun 30, 2008 11:40 AM EDT   0 recs

What about...

“It’s more than a Guuuiiiilllllleeeeennnnnn!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94

Don't judge me. XOXOXO

by The Mustache of Balboni on Jun 30, 2008 1:21 PM EDT   0 recs

Hoagie's pretty good --

I’d be fantastic though if Guillen was your typical “grinder”.

by Top Ramen on Jun 30, 2008 2:16 PM EDT   0 recs

or if he became our "hero"

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Jun 30, 2008 2:38 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

DeJesus

OK. I’m just going to keep repeating this every time and place I see something like “Guillen has been carrying the Royal’s offense.”

DeJesus, not Guillen, has been the best hitter for the Royals this year. It’s close, but it’s clear.

by bfos7215 on Jun 30, 2008 3:39 PM EDT   0 recs

Yeah yeah

I got caught up in the moment. DeJesus has been great, and I really like him. It’s a nicknaming post, what’d you expect, a Nate Silver dissertation?

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jun 30, 2008 4:07 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

You need to take a step back and perform some rational analysis

Before you give emotional reactionary posts like this

Relive Royals History at royalsretro.blogspot.com

by RoyalsRetro on Jun 30, 2008 4:38 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I always expect a Nate Silver dissertation

It’s time for Royals fans to stop having such low standards and low expectations! That’s the kind of thing which has led to the Royals decades of suckitude!!!!!!!!!!111

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Jun 30, 2008 4:49 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

+1

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Jun 30, 2008 4:49 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

You plus oned yourself?

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 1, 2008 12:10 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

Should have been +10

I think that was supposed to go somewhere else.

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Jul 1, 2008 1:24 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

write in

On account of his interest in (bleep)ing Babies I think he should be called NAMBLA

by PopeSoria on Jun 30, 2008 5:40 PM EDT   0 recs

That made me laugh

where were you in the two weeks prior to posting this?

That would have made an awesome t-shirt:

Just

NAMBLA

With this picture under it:

That would have gone like hotcakes!

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jun 30, 2008 8:09 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

The Baby Sitter

Destined for failure.

by JobDDT on Jun 30, 2008 5:55 PM EDT   0 recs

Exactly

I was hoping I wasn’t the 1st to suggest the Babysitter! It’s perfect

by GoBabies!! on Jun 30, 2008 11:54 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

Fantastic t shirt

Or at least a nice poster in the post office!

by PopeSoria on Jun 30, 2008 9:36 PM EDT   0 recs

I Can't Believe

My “Hoagy” is winning; I wasn’t even serious when I made the suggestion. I thought “Manwich” was a shoo-in, but Hoagy is a manly sandwich. We wouldn’t dare call him “Sub”.

I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.

by philofthenorth on Jul 1, 2008 6:23 PM EDT   0 recs

Well done

I am pleasantly surprised to see “Hoagy” as the front runner.

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 2, 2008 10:43 AM EDT to parent up   0 recs

JoGui Manwich

Yasuhiko Yabuta is to Major League Baseball as Drew Carey is to The Price is Right

by focs on Jul 2, 2008 5:14 PM EDT   0 recs

devil fingers?

We need a ruling on combo nicknames. Can two names combine to take the vote?

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 3, 2008 9:32 AM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I like it

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Jul 3, 2008 3:51 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

The problem is that this doesn't lend itself to easy use

We are unlikely to type out “JoGui Manwich” or “Team Baby Inspector” whenever we want to refer to Guillen. A nickname that people are actually going to use requires brevity.

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Jul 3, 2008 4:57 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

Hence

I think it’s time to embrace NAMBLA

by PopeSoria on Jul 3, 2008 5:27 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

That's not a sentence you see everyday

This is just my opinion. I could easily be wrong.

by NYRoyal on Jul 3, 2008 5:33 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

or want to see every day

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Jul 4, 2008 12:17 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

yeah, it's too long

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Jul 5, 2008 6:58 AM EDT to parent up   0 recs

NHZ?

you want to handle this one?

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Jul 5, 2008 11:59 AM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I think we go

by the vote, and stick with “Hoagy” or “JoGui,” though I won’t put anyone on probation for commenting “Hoagy Manwich!!!111” when Guillen homers. Sound fair?

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 5, 2008 12:46 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I think he meant to reply to marbotty
yeah, it’s too long

(blank) (blank) she (blank)ed

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jul 5, 2008 12:58 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

Did she really say THAT?

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 5, 2008 1:11 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

i'm pretty sure she didn't

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Jul 5, 2008 2:14 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

+1

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 5, 2008 7:10 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

Ahem,

not that I would be the least be surprised if she had. ;)

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 5, 2008 7:11 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

how about, given his injuries on both sides

The Man With 2 Groins?

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Jul 4, 2008 12:17 PM EDT   0 recs

Hey

I was out of town for a few days, no internet access (no sports news in general). I’m not the arbiter of what can and can’t be used as a nickname, I just compile crap, make some stupid jokes, find funny pictures, and away we go. I can’t even remember if the poll is closed now. What’s going on in general? Did I miss another edition of the “you guys just don’t get it, closers are at least as valuble as closers” or “John Buck sux!!!111” debates? Did Joel ever tell me if Gload is better or worse than Jimmie Foxx?

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jul 5, 2008 11:52 AM EDT   0 recs

I think Joel may have shied away

from that comparison, though a good time was had by all humoring him.

And yes, the closer debate rages on rather sporadically. But at least there hasn’t been a “batting average with RISP: best stat ever?” debate.

A mind without purpose will walk in dark places.

by NHZ on Jul 5, 2008 12:47 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

By the way

I can’t believe Manwich didn’t win, either, although “Hoagie” is certainly worthy

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jul 5, 2008 12:59 PM EDT   0 recs

+1

“Hoagy Manwich, Team Baby Inspector” sounds like a Will Farrell movie.

I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.

by philofthenorth on Jul 6, 2008 12:04 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I'm not sure what you're going for Phil, but his sort of sold me on it

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by devil_fingers on Jul 6, 2008 4:21 PM EDT to parent up   0 recs

I refuse to vote...

until “Babysitter” is added as an option.

Or whaterver is spanish for Babysitter if its cool…

by GoBabies!! on Jul 6, 2008 6:22 PM EDT   0 recs

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