2008 All Hottie All Stars: American League

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 14, 2008 11:55 PM EDT

Only the likes of loyal2 could bring you something as amazing as the all hottie all stars. I have no game to watch tonight, so I need something to keep me entertained until Friday.

If I were picking the All Stars, it wouldn't be based solely on whether they play for a popular team their stats and grittyness. No, my friends, it would be based on attractiveness and likeability.

In the first of a very very short series, I bring you the American League team...if it were based on looks.

Catcher

Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins

Why is Joe an all star hottie? A killer smile and killer sideburns, naturally. Plus he wears lucky number 7. That has to count for something, right? He's too cute to NOT like, honestly.

First Baseman

Chris Davis, Texas Rangers

Chris is what some may call a regulation hottie...at least in that frat boy sort of way. And while his bat may not be as hot as it should be...eh, his looks make up for it enough to get him into the all hottie all star game.

Second Baseman

Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles

Probably not the sweetest looking of males, but he's got enough there to make me happy. And really, it came down to him and Placido Polanco (not really). Unlike other male specimens, Roberts has that down to earth obtainable look to him.

Third Baseman

Alex Gordon, Kansas City Royals

Alex represents the Royals, and not because every team is guaranteed to be included. Though I don't go for the so much muscle you could choke a horse sorts of guys, Alex does have lots of tickets to the gun show and he's giving them away like they're hotcakes. BAM!

Shortstop

Ben Zobrist, Tampa Bay Rays

Okay, so there's not a whole lot of choice at shortstop the more teams you get represented. There's a shortage of good shortstops in general, and this goes double for good looking shortstops. He was more or less a begrudging bone toss because I refuse to recognize Derek Jeter as even okay looking. He's just not my cup of tea, sorry to say.

Outfielders

Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians

Grady's Ladies got it right, he's quite easy on the eyes which is why he made it onto the all hottie all star team.

Robinson Cano, New York Yankees

Well, the Yankees had to get in somewhere, so I might as well do it here. He's really not that bad, if it weren't for that whole playing for the evil empire thing.

Jacoby Ellsbury, Boston Red Sox

Jacoby really isn't bad looking but eh...I think Mark Teahen and DDJ look better. Too bad I already burned the Royals card, right?

Starting Pitcher

Ryan Rowland-Smith, Seattle Mariners

Ohhh, I don't even need to explain this one.

Relief Pitchers

Roy Halladay, Toronto Blue Jays

Gavin Floyd, Chicago White Sox

Jon Garland, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (or whatever they are now)

Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers

Huston Street, Oakland Athletics

That concludes the American League All Hottie All Stars! Tune in tomorrow for the National League version :) Happy Home Run Derby!

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Comments

Chris Davis?

is the 1B field that weak?

Lyle Overbay is furious

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:12 AM EDT reply actions

Yeah, well...

it’s kinda hard to juggle around when you can only have one player from each team. And really he’s not HORRIBLE, so to speak.

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:15 AM EDT up reply actions

I have the exact same Halloween costume Zobrist is wearing

No joke here. Mine is the light green version. It rules. What’s even funnier is that they obviously didn’t want to have a Halloween costume titled “classic pimp” (this, despite the fact that somewhere between 87-98% of women’s costume’s would be most appropriately titled “whore”), so it’s called “Big Daddy.” In any case, I now definitely want the Royals to acquire Zobrist.

Impressive deviations from the norm. Roy Halladay’s a great player, but I’m not sure that even Mrs. Halladay would put him on this team. Do women really dig the neck beard?

Did the Royals take those pictures in their "sneaking behind enemy lines to Seattle in 1994" spy gear? Alex is a "Hoss," even Jim Ross would have to acknowledge that.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:21 AM EDT reply actions

I was having a hard time finding a cute Blue Jays player

should’ve put Matt Stairs in as the DH. Damn it!

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:22 AM EDT up reply actions

I call for a ban!!!!!!1111one

Is Cliff Lee too effete?

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:23 AM EDT up reply actions

Grady is too pretty

to not be the Indians rep. Sorry, Cliff. You got snubbed!

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:24 AM EDT up reply actions

Oh, yeah, I forgot about the one player per team thing

“Really, I didn’t make it? Would you reconsider over brandy?”

RR, help me out here.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:25 AM EDT up reply actions

while holding a sifter of remy martin

Did you happen to catch the cover cartoon of the New Yorker
this week? I cannot at this moment recall if it was in Juvenal’s model of satire or more properly the mennipean alternative that I found the best analog, but I dare say that it was a welcome departure from their earlier efforts this summer.

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:30 AM EDT up reply actions 2 recs

Hell yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout

or something along those lines.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:34 AM EDT up reply actions

I honestly really do not like Cliff Lee

as I’ve mentioned before, i was living in cleveland last summer when he mockingly saluted the fans with a hat tip who were booing him as he left the mound after getting blown up (he was sent to buffalo the next day)

that was a fairly dick move, but he then gave a non-denial denial afterwards, although I guess… at least in one story, he’s said it was dumb

of course, he’s a great success story now. its easy to be gracious when the world is praising you constantly

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/baseball/mlb/05/20/cliff.lee0526/

Lee’s nadir came during a four-start stretch in July in which he allowed 26 earned runs. In the third of those starts, at Texas, the frustrated Lee got into a pair of on-field arguments with his catcher, Victor Martinez. In his next outing Lee was booed off the mound by his home fans after the Red Sox had taken a 7-1 lead in the fifth inning, and he derisively tipped his cap to the crowd. “It was a really, really stupid thing [for me] to do,” Lee says. “You’re out there competing, and you’re at home getting booed… it’s not a good feeling.” The feeling got worse the next day, when the Indians sent him to Buffalo. He was recalled in September, but he didn’t make another start and was left off the playoff roster

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:39 AM EDT up reply actions

Has the city had a day of morning for Pronk?

The nickname had me at hello. I mean, it’s not Katrina sad. But, on its own terms, a player that fun falling off a cliff is really depressing.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:44 AM EDT up reply actions

Pronk is hated

now that he has a big contract and is injured

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:34 PM EDT up reply actions

Oh, yeah

I wonder if he and Gil had a talk about the sheer scandal of it all.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:45 AM EDT up reply actions

I would bet 5 dollars Gil thinks Obama is muslim

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me

by LeoBloom on Jul 15, 2008 12:59 AM EDT up reply actions

Not sure what's up with the gray thing

That last line was supposed to be asking if the Royals took those photos in their spy outfits for sneaking behind enemy lines in Seattle circa 1994.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:22 AM EDT up reply actions

i also have issues with your gavin floyd selection

oh well…

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:21 AM EDT reply actions

you have a better white sox pitcher?

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:22 AM EDT up reply actions

macdougal?

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:32 AM EDT up reply actions

really?

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:33 AM EDT up reply actions

wow...

and yet, i’m sure he’s done well for himself

loyal2, would you date Mac given the opportunity

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me

by LeoBloom on Jul 15, 2008 1:00 AM EDT up reply actions

maybe a date

but I probably wouldn’t kiss him at the door. Not a big fan of extreme, goofy looking facial hair.

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 1:05 AM EDT up reply actions

ehren wasserman's got a weird name and the long-haired thing going on

and he’s a side/submariner

basically, i don’t know how you turn this guy down

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:35 AM EDT up reply actions

I thought about him

but I couldn’t find a good shot.

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:45 AM EDT up reply actions

holy crap

Although I’ve seen some pictures in isolation, I just now saw the Royals outtakes from their calendar in full.

Yeah, I know I’m months late, but: Greatest Collection Ever.

Gathright’s malt liquor commercial pose totally won me back over. Never, ever, trade him. All John Buck, All the Time, apparently. Hitting the town with him and DDJ would be one eye-opening experience.

I especially like the Mitch Maier picture. It totally said “I’m not grateful in the least to be here.”

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:38 AM EDT reply actions

one of the best things this organization has done in decades

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:40 AM EDT up reply actions

bar none

I’m still laughing. That’ll learn me to skip this blog in the offseason. Just… I can’t… The outtakes are supposed to be funny, and they’re STILL unintentional comedy. I know, I know, everyone was done laughing about this months ago, and here I am, digging up the horse, un-embalming it, and then beeating it again, but, my lord. loyal2, did you just screenshot the flash pictures and then cut them out, or are they somewhere else? I’ll never need to Google search again.

RR—how could you now mention that Costa made it?

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:43 AM EDT up reply actions

I have a screenshot of the favorites

that I pull out for BODs from time to time.

I also have the actual calendar hanging up in my living room (SHUT UP IT WAS FOR CHARITY GOSHHHHH)

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 12:47 AM EDT up reply actions

The Royals can't let Buck go -- ever -- after his awesome showing in the outtakes

Forgot Zack and Alex, there’s the guy who needs a lockup contract.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 12:51 AM EDT up reply actions

Huber better make the NL team

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me

by LeoBloom on Jul 15, 2008 1:00 AM EDT reply actions

we'll have to see

haha, you’re eagerly awaiting aren’t you?

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 1:12 AM EDT up reply actions

i am

by Freneau on Jul 15, 2008 12:35 PM EDT up reply actions

Another poentially bannable offense, if it was up to me

which, thankfully, it isn’t

(Huber not making the NL team)

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 1:46 PM EDT up reply actions

is ellsbury native american?

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me

by LeoBloom on Jul 15, 2008 1:01 AM EDT reply actions

Yep

by DarthYoshi on Jul 15, 2008 1:04 PM EDT up reply actions

Dad wants to see

an all-ugly team as well.

That would give you something to post Wednesday and Thursday as well.

by loyal2sdad on Jul 15, 2008 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

Oooh, oooh, can I nominate Gil Meche's season-opening facial hair?

The triangle goatee still gives me nightmares sometimes.

by DarthYoshi on Jul 15, 2008 1:05 PM EDT up reply actions

That will be the REAL contest -- crap

So much competition

The problem with the 2008 Royals as they have too many middle-of-the-pack guys. “Nondescript”

Although Billy Butler’s pink knit shirt does rule the world

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 1:47 PM EDT up reply actions

just post the entire white sox 25 man roster

there, saved you some time

This space intentionally left blank.

by marbotty on Jul 15, 2008 3:23 PM EDT up reply actions

Justin Verlander

As you’ve stated you’re not a fan of the extreme facial hair, did Verlander make the roster despite his Manly Mustache (perhaps because of his dreamy eyes and tousle-spiked hair), or do you think it works on him?

by andrewmiller on Jul 15, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

Manly mustaches

are not extreme. Actually, what he’s got going on is pretty run of the mill.

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 1:56 PM EDT up reply actions

It seems Extremely bushy to me

but that’s probably because I use Bret Saberhagen’s mustache as my baseline!

by andrewmiller on Jul 15, 2008 4:05 PM EDT up reply actions

I am shocked, shocked I say

no Greinke? where is the love for Zack? he’s going to read this and be upset.

The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future. - Collected sayings of Muad'Dib

by buddyball on Jul 15, 2008 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

I'm disappointed he didn't make the calendar or outtakes

Social anxiety disorder + poorly conceived (if well intended) calendar shoots don’t mix, I suppose

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 1:48 PM EDT up reply actions

Zack is Mr. October

thank you very much.

Once we hit the end of the season, it will probably be October until April in Loyal2 land.

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 1:54 PM EDT up reply actions

one player per team!

And Alex was the best of what was left. What? You wanted me to put A-Rod in there?

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THIRD PLACE, BITCHES!

by loyal2theroyals on Jul 15, 2008 1:55 PM EDT up reply actions

Don't forget scrappy Pedroia!

I would still love to join the DDJ/Buck photo team. That would be an unbeatable combination. Maybe Mark “Dr. Evil” Teahen (Cf. the outtakes, you know what I’m talking about) can get him out of his shell.

OMG Banny. FWIW I am only crdtng u w/3 runs allwd bc of DDJ OMFG

by Matt Klaassen on Jul 15, 2008 2:08 PM EDT up reply actions