He wants to sign a deal to go somewhere and play. He’s not looking for a way to retire as a Royal. He’s looking for a way to get playing time. And then he’s looking for some team who will pay him $450K next year to be on a major league roster.

If you’re familiar with baseball statistics, you’re probably having great difficulty swallowing the above numbers. If not, call your dad and ask him whether a .422 batting average is good. The reality is as follows:

Since 1941, when Ted Williams hit .406, no player has hit .400 or higher (achieved a base hit in 40% or more of his at-bats). Except for Mike Sweeney, who has done so twice.

“Tony, tonight we saw yet another amazing performance out of Mike. Do you feel that he’s being overlooked by the public?”

"Hell yes, I do. I mean, look at the guy. He might hit .400 this year. And all you guys care about is that clownshit Rodriguez getting his uniform dirty to make a catch that he has to take three steps for -

…I’m sorry. I’m not talking about you guys. You’re local guys, you’re here, you know how good Mike is. But the media outside of this city doesn’t care. A .400 hitter out of Kansas City isn’t exactly on Major League Baseball’s agenda, you know?"

“Are you suggesting that there is a conspiracy working against your players?”

“Yes! Yes I am! Mike has busted his ass for, what, five years now. He’s already one of the best players ever to step on the diamond. But the media doesn’t give a rat’s ass. They think they know what America wants to see, they think they want a bunch of drugged-up overrated shitheads who give each other hugs when one of them breaks a record. They think they want to hear about a team full of overpaid pussies winning World Series rings and getting paid more in one year than I will in my whole life. Baseball used to be about the underdog and the idea that playing your best would always guarantee you a shot at the big time. It’s not that way anymore, and that cocksucker Jeter gets more fame than Mike will ever get because he wears a uniform that my players would jump off a cliff before wearing, and I’m goddamned sick of it, and baseball is in a sorry state, and it’s the media’s fault, and Stuart Scott can go fuck himself.”

“Is this a response to his allegation that you were ‘Muser’ than the other side of the pillow?”

[laughter throughout the room]

“You know what? We’re through. This is over.”