You're cordially invited!

Who: KC Royals & its fanbase

What: Carl Pavano's Tour of Revenge, Obliteration and Domination

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When: Every fifth day in 2009 before he gets hurt

Where: The renovated "K"

Why: To prove once-and-for-all, his worth to the MLB, Alyssa Milano, Joe Torre, and the World! Also, to help trigger a "games started" clause in his contract.

How: By putting his ERA+ of 6 on display and dominating Royal hitterzzzzzz!!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!1111111111

Dear Royals Review,

Welcome to the second leg of what will surely become 2009's summer sensation, Carl Pavano's Tour of Revenge, Obliteration, and Domination (henceforth referred to as the TROD)!  Here at the Pavano Headquarters, we hear you are moonlighting with a former client, Mr. Sidney Ponson, in a similar barnstorming tour of revenge and destruction. While we respect your efforts, we speak with high confidence when we guarantee that Mr. Pavano's TROD is unparalleled in Major League Baseball. We will not be out-done!

As you may have heard, the first installment of the TROD was short-lived, due to the blustery conditions in Arlington (we've heard it's like pitching on the moon there) and the utter insistance of those Rangers to keep pounding out hits and runs before your humble host Mr. Pavano could shake the three years of rust off. He faced 11 batters. Only three recorded an out. He got a game score of 3 for that performance. The Rangers sure thought they were cute, almost putting double-digit runs on the board in the first inning  against Mr. Pavano. Cries of "Who's the boss now, Pavano?" and "How long until your next DL trip with sore buttocks?" were heard being hurled from the crowd.

Little did they know, Carl has issued his first "Pavano Curse" of the season to the Texas Rangers. It's merely the first of many ailments to befuddle and perplex any and all of the 29 other major league teams which do not cooperate with the 2009 Pavano TROD. Check the standings lately? Guess how many games the Rangers have won since Pavano faced them?

ZERO! Stand in awe of the powerszzzzz of Pavano, Texas Rangers! Do not mess with the Pavano TROD!

Kansas City, consider yourselves warned.

Quick....time for a Pop Quiz. What were you doing on the evening of June 2, 2005? TIME'S UP! You know what, it doesn't matter what you were doing that night. What does matter is Carl Pavano knows what he was doing that night. For almost four long years, he has plotted revenge for that night. His blood still boils just thinking of that perilous evening in Kansas City--his last (and only) appearance against the Kansas City Royals. 

It was that night that a last-place, Buddy Bell managed, 16-37 KC team defeated Carl Pavano. Angel Berroa batted lead-off. Terrance Long and Shane Costa patrolled the outfield. Ryan Jensen was the winning pitcher for the Royals. Who?

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Exactly. It was his last start of his career. Ambiorix Burgos even picked up a save. Needless to say, Carl Pavano has not overcome the embarrassment of this night. He has harbored those feelings for over 1000 days, and in mere hours, you will bear witness to the true Carl Pavano. Your shiny new stadium upgrades will pale in comparison to the on-field performance of the TROD.

In conclusion, we hope you enjoy getting served your cold dish of revenge, obliteration, and domination, Kansas City. We should inform you that Pavano gives you bonus points for formerly employing New Britian, Connecticut's 2nd Most Famous baseball player, Ricky Bottalico. Yet that goodwill was quickly revoked once this photo leaked of one Miss Milano in KC Royals gear. Seriously, who could employ that Scorpion Woman to promote their gear? Did you hear what she said about Pavano--"just because you're 6'5" and 260 pounds doesn't mean you're big all over." Come on now Kansas City! You're letting that woman represent your merchandise? You've got it coming to you alright. You leave us with no other choice. Enjoy being on the receiving end of the 2009 Pavano TROD! We look forward to many more installments of it against the Royals this year. Suckers.

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