This conversation was taking place between an administrative assistant and his boss:
(Administrative assistant walks in to his boss at his desk, head in hands, obviously distraught)
"Morning boss, something wrong?"
"Did you see the game yesterday?!?"
"Well, sure....It was a pretty good game with a bad result. The offense and Gil looked great. They didn't hit well with runners in scoring position, but that happens. We'll get 'em next time"
"No, not that....................Farnsworth"
"He just had a bad game boss, it happens. Don't worry, you didn't give him that big contract for no reason!"
"It's just........I mean.........did you see him? His fastball velocity was down, he had poor movement on his pitches, he just looked awful."
"He did get two strikeouts though, boss. He's still got it"
"I don't know, he just hasn't looked like the guy that put up a 2.19 ERA last year"
"2.19 ERA? We're talking about Farnsworth.....right?"
"Yeah, Farnsworth. He was just outstanding last year - 2.19 ERA, over 11 K's per 9 innings, 16 saves for the year; that's why we gave him the big money"
(Shuffling through papers) "Umm, boss, those were his 2005 stats, he had a 4.48 ERA last year, and a 4.80 ERA the year before that"
"Last year?! What are you talking about??? It says right here, Kyle Farnsworth - 2005 Statistics, 2.19 ERA."
"2005??? Sir, it's 2009"
"2009?! Are you kidding me? Look, right here on my desk calendar, April 2006."
"2006....Let me see that.....Oh, you're just now seeing that?"
"Just now? What do you mean?"
"Sir, it's been that way for a while"
"What do you mean?...............How long has it been on my desk?"
"Oh, I'd guess it's been there since early October."
"OCTOBER!!! Who's responsible for this!!!"
"I'm pretty sure it was Jin Wong. Shortly after your new corporate internet usage policy restricted all employees from visiting anywhere other than kcroyals.com domain, he came in mumbling something about equa, era plus, vorp, and mentioned war - although he said something about having to calculate it by hand now though....It was like he was speaking in tongues - I didn't want to get in his way, but he walked into your office carrying a calendar -- something about showing you something....."
"Oh.......god..............that means.....this whole offseason........"
"Get Bud on the phone, do you think it's too late to ask for a do over?"
"A do over of the offseason, do you think it's too late to ask for one?"
"Sir, the season started yesterday. I'm not sure they allow do overs, even if that was possible."
"Damn..................Ok, it's ok, we can fix this, ok, it's ok, we can't get away from Farnsworth, and Horacio and Sidney are still on the team, but we can fix this. It won't be pretty, but we can fix this, and no one will have to know."
"How do you plan on doing that, sir"
"Well, it won't be easy. We can't just cut those three. Players would be upset, the union would throw a fit, and my boss would be mad about eating the money. And we don't want my boss mad - remember the whole "Water fountain? Bring your own damn water to work" thing? Yeah, it would be like that, but worse. So here's what we do: We let them pitch"
"Let them pitch? But sir, they're terrible"
"Look, you don't understand, that's the beauty of the plan. We have to let them pitch - it's the only way. They'll be terrible, and then I've got all of the justification I need to dump them."
"That......could...work.....Yeah, that might just work"
"It's going to take some losses this year, but we can work through it"
"But what if people find out what happened?"
"Fans? So what, they're just happy money is being spent. And the ones who do find out are just nerds on the internet - who cares what they think! They probably live in their mom's basement anyway..."
"Ok, so what's the next step?"
"Get Trey on the phone -- I'll say "Trey, you managed a heckuva game last night! Keep up the good work."
"Sounds like a plan, anything else?"
"No, nothing else for now.................Oh, there is one more thing.....didn't you notice this whole 2005/2006 thing earlier in the offseason? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Well, I thought the whole "Congratulations on a fantastic 2005!" napkins at the company Christmas party were a little odd, but you know the big boss-man -- always trying to save money."
"Ok then....that's all for now. Remember to keep this quiet"
"Alright, boss......................Oh, and I'll go ahead and send out a cancellation email on the Mission: Impossible III watch party at the movie theater"
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