Enjoy this special, limited time offer to play SS for Kansas City!
by ratherfantastic on May 17, 2009 4:10 AM EDT
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PrintYes, you too can play Shortstop for the Kansas City Royals! Didn't think you had physical aptitude to stomach over 100 games of Major League Baseball? Didn't think you could handle any of Trey Hillman's speeches on how to be a man? Well, worry no longer!
Just fill out this easy questionnaire to see if you fit the bill:
1. Can you walk?
2. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy walking?
3. Can you handle the grueling physical and emotional pain of playing Major League Baseball for a sub .500 team with harsh, vulgar, and sometimes downright unpleasent fans?
4. Could you estimate how many times someone has described you with the word "fail"?
Special Note: Because of the unprofessionalism of the word "fail", we'll henceforth refer to these "failures" as "injuries"
If you do become the Royals SS, you'll be the latest in a long line of prestigious names and even more prestigious "failures", err, "injuries". Let's take a look at Royals Shortstops through the last few years:
Tony Pena Jr:
Injury: Brutal offensive suckitude
Mike Aviles:
via www.nypost.com
Injury: Sophomore slump leads to trade
Willie Bloomquist:
Injury: Becomes permanent right fielder in the aftermath of the Guillen Trial of 2011
Tonuis Pernendez:
via i.a.cnn.net
Injury: Double Brutal offensive suckitude
U L Washington Clone:
via images.wikia.com
Injury: Controversy with The National Right to Life Committee. Later chokes on his own toothpick.
Walter Sobchak:
via i44.tinypic.com
Injury: Verbally abusive. Refuses to play on Shabbos.
Tyrannosaurus Rex:
via www.ansp.org
Injury: Ate 5 players in debut game (incident now known as "Blood On the Warning Track") Ridiculously tiny arms. Asteroid-related extinction.
Leeroy Jenkins:
via kalafudra.files.wordpress.com
Injury: Thick-headedness leads to destruction of team
So, there you go. If you take advantage of this limited time offer, you TOO can become a SS as respected as Tony Pena Jr. or Walter Sobchak.
You can't afford NOT to do this!
Uncle Trey wants YOU!
via i43.tinypic.com
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Neifi Perez
fits the bill of no hittin also.. funny though im prayin Aviles comes around. thought we finally had a shortstop that could do more than field
The ghost of Harry Caray had a suggestion last night on SNL
What about the monster from Predator? If he said he wouldn’t eat his teammates, would you play him? He’d probably just say what you wanted to hear, but still, it could be a possibility.
by mikewormdog on May 17, 2009 12:51 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
I don't trust him
I would, however, eat myself if I were a hot dog.
Relive Royals History at royalsretro.blogspot.com
by RoyalsRetro on May 18, 2009 12:01 PM EDT up reply actions
Hey, Retro. ... Hey!
What’s your favorite planet?
"Now…put that in your [BLEEP]ing pipe and smoke it." -Hal McRae
"I was doing this when BJ was in his father's nutsack." -Renzo Gracie
by Sweep_the_Leg on May 18, 2009 12:15 PM EDT up reply actions
Hey Hey
If the moon were made of BBQ spare ribs, would you eat it? I know I would. Then polish it off with a tall cool Budwieser. (not really, probably a Miller High Life, screw Bud that’s why)
by MarioVanPeebles Republic of China on May 18, 2009 4:25 PM EDT up reply actions
What if they cloned a dinosaur, would you eat it?
I know I would…charbroiled dinosaur covered in gravy, with a side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the “Dinosaur Special.”
by mikewormdog on May 19, 2009 12:08 AM EDT up reply actions
been thinking
and here’s what I’d do with the team right now:
DL Aviles, make Bloomquist the everyday SS. Call up Ryan Shealy
Set up a L/R platoon with Shealy and Jacobs at DH
If Hooch bombs again today, send him back down and call up Carlos Rosa. Put Ponson back in as #5 starter
Shake up the batting lineup as follows:
Against LHP:
Crisp
Bloomquist
Butler
Guillen
Shealy
Teahen
Olivo
Callaspo
DeJesus
Against RHP:
Crisp
DeJesus
Butler
Jacobs
Teahen
Callaspo
Guillen
Buck/Olivo
Bloomquist
Reserves – Buck/Olivo, Jacobs/Shealy, Maier
Rotation – Meche, Greinke, Davies, Bannister, Ponson
Another alternative would be to bring up DiNardo either instead of Rosa or release Ponson, or option Tejeda.
Thoughts?
I hereby resign from this post.
by Home Run Tony Cogan on May 17, 2009 12:51 PM EDT reply actions
I like it...
I like it.
1. I like Bloomquist at SS (at least for a while).
2. I like bringing up Shealy.
3. I like platooning Shealy and Jacobs at DH. That is what I wanted from the beginning.
Only a a few changes or comments…
1. Maybe I’m crazy, but I would try Hooch one or two more times.
2. I like Olivo against LHP but I would give Buck the start against RHP (unless, of course, Grienke is picthing).
3. I would try a little harder to alternate righties and lefties.
4. I think we get one more guy on the bench. Unfortunately, it would probably need to be somebody that could play SS (Hernandez?).
5. I would like Rosa in the bullpen but I think we need to wait until he’s really in a groove. I’m not following him that closely but I don’t think he’s there yet this year.
I don't fight extra players.
by paleblueeyes on May 17, 2009 8:29 PM EDT up reply actions
Kurt Stillwell?
He retired early, so at 44 he might have something left.
I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.
by philofthenorth on May 17, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
Just a note
I do think Aviles will break out of the slump eventually, it’s just a question of when, and how do we make up for it while he’s not hot (my vote is Grit, but he’s been cooling off lately) I’m just having fun with the situation.
Bringing the optimism to Royals Review, it's...
by ratherfantastic on May 17, 2009 1:00 PM EDT reply actions
It was a suprisingly good fit
but Face in Hole is really good for that sort of thing.
Bringing the optimism to Royals Review, it's...
by ratherfantastic on May 17, 2009 1:06 PM EDT up reply actions
Correct me If I'm wrong
but wasn’t Mike Moustakas a SS when we drafted him. Then for some unknown reason the Royals decide to move him to 3B where they already had someone they thought would be their 3B for a long time in Alex Gordon.
I know even if he was still a SS that he wouldn’t be ready to help the Royals right now, but why would they move him to 3B, when they don’t even have any SS prospects?
Unknown reason = he can't play major league level SS
Not that anyone else we have can, but he’s too big and too slow. Many of these guys played SS in HS because that’s always where you put your best player. That doesn’t make it their professional position.
I was just wondering
I had never heard why, but that makes sense.
Can Callaspo play SS?
he can barely play 2B
I'm not a sabermetrician, but I do play one at Driveline Mechanics.
by Matt Klaassen on May 18, 2009 11:07 AM EDT up reply actions
Yes place the ultimate team player where the team needs him the most
Right now Teahen in SS, then when the Hoch experiment finally gets all wrong, put ’em in at SP.
by MarioVanPeebles Republic of China on May 18, 2009 4:28 PM EDT up reply actions
Play Zack at SS
on his ‘rest’ days. He could wind up to be a hitter on a level like George Brett. Oh wait that could screw up his rejuvenated love for the game and put him in an “I told you so” mentality.
Man where else could his competitive nature help us more on an everyday basis?
Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f@#%ing boat.
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