and then you get to watch the first 30 seconds or so before Gary “Egomaniak” Lezak’s big ugly head suddenly appears front and center on your TV. And you fast forward, hoping that it’s only a brief interruption, no big deal…but your heart slowly sinks as more and more time passes and the only thing you see is a gigantic, 3D, Technicolor, Super-Duper Doppler 8 weather map, with occasional cut-ins to some random guy who looks like he spends 24 hours a day sitting in a chair and staring at said Doppler radar screen. And it gets even better when you realize that the map is showing a storm system moving over towns in northwest/central Missouri that are so tiny you don’t even recognize the names (even though you went to college in northwest Missouri).

The next morning you wake up and feverishly scour the internet for stories, pictures, and videos of all the immense destruction and carnage that these F7500 tornados must have assuredly wrought on these north central Missouri metropolises. Otherwise, why on earth would KSHB have chosen to spend a full half hour pre-empting one of the most popular shows on its affiliated network, showing over and over again in hyperdetail, the possibility of strong winds and “tornadic activity” over the farmhouse of Mr. and Mrs. Wiley E. Wanamaker, which of course, Mr. and Mrs. Wanamaker would not have been watching themselves because they were already hanging out down in the cellar? Why? Not because they have their own Super-Duper Doppler 8 radar in their house that they are intently scrutinizing, but because they’ve lived in the Midwest for years and years and they have a modicum of common sense. Unfortunately, you CANNOT say the same thing about the KSHB producers and weatherpeople.

And then you see…nothing happened. Not a single mention of any tornados. No damage. Not even a broken tree limb. Not even on KSHB’s own website, which is odd, because you would assume that they had dispatched their entire fleet of news vans to every possible location of “tornadic activity” in order to bring us breathless reports about how everyones’ lives had been changed forever. And then you realize that you want to immediately drive to “NBC Action News” headquarters and punch both Mr. Lezak and his producer(s) right in their faces.

Alright. Rant over. You may now resume your regularly scheduled broadcasts.

so as not to die?

terrible, draining drive when you’re going across anything but the handle.

disagree more. at least you get a couple of mountain ranges and some tunnels in PA. Kansas is such a black hole of flatlanding suckitude, I have to try really hard to not hate people just because they’re from there. I remind myself it’s not their fault they were born in level 7.5 of hell. I love Missouri, I love Colorado, I fucking hate kansas. seriously. it’s not ok that i can go to sleep for three hours traveling 70 miles an hour, wake up and have made no discernible progress. Illinois is quite lame, but at least there are traffic jam causing toll booths to scream at. Iowa is a close second to KS, is the speed limit there seriously still 55? is it 1989 there forever? wtf? hey, on these dead straight, flat roads, you can only drive at a speed that doesn’t necessitate the top gear on your transmission. ridiculous. OK has it figured out, 75 on the turnpike and don’t get real pissed about 85.

They have a website, therefore it must be true

http://www.dundermifflin.com/

this is more akin to a random scene in a cafe, and someone orders a cup of coffee and it costs $100 dollars

but thanks for the patronizing comment

first he stops running FJM then he leaves for Parks and Recreation…the nerve of that guy