FanPost

Sapporo, Japan's response to Hillman's "S....O....S" Sabotaged!

 
 Breaking news from the nation's capital!  (Will, get your numerous Royals Review staff members on this story asap!)  An unindentified source told me that authorities at FCC Headquarters in Washington, D.C. intercepted a crucial message apparently intended for one "Hillman-san"  emanating from Sapporo, Japan.  Sent from a man who referred to himself only as "B.B.," word on the street is that he was sending critical information from Japan to Royals' manager Thomas "Trey" Hillman in an effort to save the Royals' ever-dwindling chances this season, hoping to recapture the magic that catapulted his Nippon-Ham Fighters to Japan League championships.  But that my friend, is only the beginning of the story......controversy abound!!11.........(more after the jump)............

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(As you will soon see, these are NOT the faces of innocence.)

Ok, where were we? Ahh, yes....those spinless cowards at the FCC. The conveniently smiling faces pictured above (via www.fcc.gov )  would have you believe that they are mere "Specialists" available to answer any and all inquiries you have regarding all things communication related (1-888-CALL-FCC, M-F  9:00 to 5:00 EST). But come on now, those people cannot be that happy to be at their job, having to field calls from "Clifton in Lickskillet, Ohio" on why he's going to need to get one of those "dad-gum Anna-Logs" or "new-fangled digital doodads," rather than continuing to rock the ever-trusty antenna on top of his "place".

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Seriously now. I didn't even need to call on Dwight K. Schrute to see that there is some massive conspiracy going on here.  Question: Who could even muster up the strength to put on a fake smile like those four "specialists" are donning if you were merely a FCC customer service/complaint department representative?  Exactly.  Nobody could do that. Fact: Those people are showing off their pearly whites because they have something to hide. That's right. They have something to hide. Yes indeed...there's trouble a-brewin' in DC, my friends. Borrowing a line from legendary WWF/WWE broadcaster Jim Ross, "...business is about to pick up!"

Look again at those pictures of the FCC "specialists." Did you see any Royals gear among their cubicle decorations? None. Now, while that's not surprising information, my sources tell me that Washington National pride runs rampant throughout this floor of the FCC building. In fact, their office has purchased a season ticket package for all home games. Here is a photo of two FCC employees sporting their own home-made jerseys. While there's certainly nothing wrong with supporting your local team, you can take it too far. You see, these FCC workers are very embarrassed with the way the Nationals' season has gone so far. Take a look at the standings. Think KC's 23-30 record is laughable? Try Washington's 14-38 mark! Completely repulsed at how the Nats' season has transpired to date, these FCC employees have sabotaged the message holding the key to the Royals' turnaround in the hope that we will finish with a worse record than Washington. That's right! 

 

Here's how it went down. Approximately four weeks ago, the Royals embarked on a trip to the West Coast to play Anaheim and Oakland. As we all remember, having to face Cy Palmer, Cy Loux, and Cy Saunders resulted in a sweep at the hands of the Angels. It was at this point that Treydaddy sent an "S.O.S." distress call (through his mystical Japanese powers) across the Pacific Ocean to Sapporo, Japan in the hopes that his friends there from his old team, the Nippon-Ham Fighters, could solve what ailed our beloved Royals. The very next day, a message from "B.B." was sent back across the ocean, intended for Trey Hillman. However, Trey never got the message. Jigga what? That's right. TREY NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE! Those FCC "specialists" intercepted the message, and the Royals have been in a tragic freefall ever since.  (Editor's note: While this is pure speculation, it would not surprise me if those dirty rogues in Seattle assisted the Washington scoundrels in the transmission intercept, with their technological prowess, Ichiro's ability to understand Japanese, and the like. You know the Battle of Grass Creek was/is constantly fueling their desire to crush KC's hopes and dreams in Wyoming and beyond).

However, through a lot of dirty work, a little bribery, and quite a bit of "borderline illegal" maneuvering, the majority of B.B.'s reply to Hillman-san has been recovered. Now, there aren't a lot of Japanese individuals for me to find here in Saline County, Missouri, but I was able to track down some former students of mine from Micronesia at summer school this week. One of them was able to translate the Japanese to English for me. He speaks pretty broken Japanese (according to him, he learned it all from Spike TV's "MXC" show), but he seemed confident, and he was cheap.

 

 

Through exhaustive internet research, I was able to ascertain that the author of Trey's message--who referred to himself only as "B.B.," is in fact, "Brisky the Bear"--the mascot of the Nippon-Ham Fighters, Trey's old team. While he is "just" the team mascot to Americans, in Japan the mascot is held in high regard and is often very knowledgeable about the game. Who else would be allowed to get away with this on the field?  (Insert funny reference to this video.)  
Brisky cops a feel

Extra-curricular activities with cheerleaders aside, here is the transcript of Brisky's message, which was meant to save the Royals' downfall three weeks ago. Unfortunately it was intercepted by the low-lifes in Washington's FCC offices (and possibly most definitely with help from Seattle) in an effort to get the Nats ahead of KC in the standings. Now that it has been unearthed, hopefully it will find its way up to Toronto and into Trey's hands pronto!  Devil_fingers, I believe you're going to the game tonight, correct? Can you make sure this gets to the 'Daddy? The Royals' season lies in the balance! Good luck with this crucial information!

Konnichiwa Hillman-san!

 

I receive urgent message from you this morning. It sound like your Royals are having hard time winning games and you need help from the Far East.

 

We are here to help you Hillman-san. You brought us much joy and happiness, and we have been watching you from afar. You should have seen Yu Darvish and myself celbrating when Zack threw complete game against Detroit. There was much rejoicing at your restaraunt here in Japan. Hillman's Hangout was full of party that day.

 

Anyway, we notice something in yourself now that we did not see much in Japan. If you seek to unlock the power within your team and reach your fullest potential, you must make this change.  Everything now with Hillman-san always involve moustache.  Moustache in every photo of Hillman-san. Moustache keeping Trey from reaching his full potential. You cannot hide behind your moustache. In Japan, there was no moustache during good times. Look at these photos:

Trey Hillman was tossed in the air to celebrate his Nippon Ham Fighters advancing to the Japan Series for the second year in a row.

 

That is Hillman-san happy.  Trey with no moustache is happy and full of success. What about now? Look at these:

 

You have moustache all year. It will eventually be your downfall, unless you rid yourself of it. Goatee too. It must go. Trey Hillman in Japan was happy and successful with no moustache. That is the key to success. Remember the day we give out small Trey Hillman-san toy at the game? That was good day. That is you.

Among the many mementos in Hillman's office at his home in Texas are autographed bats and this bobblehead doll from his time in Japan.

That is the real Trey. Happy Trey. Winning Trey.  Become that man again Hillman-san, and wins will soon follow. We'll be watching. Good luck!

 

B.B.

 devil_fingers, it's all in your hands now............get this to Trey tonight at the game and save our season!  Japan and KC need you!  Will, it's time to plot our revenge against those Nats fans. Surely you can dig up some dirt there in your backyard on these cats.  And Seattle......we will avenge ourselves against you too. You will receive the backlash most of all!!!!!!!11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.