I was starting squirm in my seat when the Royals were leading the division.  What was this strange team?  Who were these ‘Big Three’?  Who was this Bert Callaspo leading the league in doubles and this ’06 version of Mark Teahen?  What were these predictions in the New York Times of the Royals winning the Central?  It wasn’t the team I married twenty years ago—they were suddenly like Kevin Spacey going through a mid-life crisis, smoking pot and working out in the garage.  It was like I didn’t even know them any more.  They started making me feel self conscious.  Knowing I’m from Kansas City, people started asking me about the Royals around the water cooler (I live in Hoboken, NJ, work in New York.  If you’re ever in Hobo, I’m the guy wearing the Royals hat...or the only guy in town who isn’t bald...as of yet...take your pick).  “Soooo, looks like the Royals are doing okay!”  I looked at them with insecurity and fear.  Were they sincere?  My chest-thumping-KC-fan-read-self-deprecating-Midwestern-humor didn’t work anymore, now it sounded like bragging.  The Lionel Train-esque model of Kauffman stadium (complete with little people in blue hats) I started to build on my desk lost its tongue-in-cheek oeuvre.  Also, much like Rob Neyer, I had nothing to write about. 

All I can say is, Thank God they came back to me!  I know them again, I can touch them, they’re real again!  If I see Teahen in an upscale steakhouse when I come back to town I don’t have to act shy around him, I can just say ‘Hey Mark, pass the salt’.  We can commiserate about how the front office doesn’t give a damn about upgrading the talent level of the ballclub, even though that’s a not-so-subtle slam of all of his clubhouse friends (I always get a kick out of this—i.e. Greinke’s statement that he signed with the team because the front office seemed committed to improving the talent of the ballclub.  In other words, all you guys I’ve been playing with over the last few years, you all pretty much suck and I signed because I believe you’ll all be gone shortly).  I like the paradoxical statements and feelings of dysfunctional teams, it’s in my blood.  These friggin Yankees fans wonder how I can be a Royals fan.  To me that’s like a ‘movie fan’ asking me how I can read books.  When the Royals win like that it makes me feel like I’m just buying in to mainstream America’s fascination with easy entertainment!  Might as well just give me a barrel of popcorn and 8 ounces of fake butter along with it!  All you fans of good teams, you’re all lemmings.