FanPost

Diagnosing the Royals-2

Ailment #3: Lame Nicknames

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who give nicknames and those on the receiving end of them. Anybody who played on a JV basketball team knows this. (Have you ever wondered why the guy called "Shorty" quit showering after practice?) My father was a master of nicknaming, and one time tagged a friend of mine with the moniker of "Cricket," way back in 1974, a name he still goes by this very day, for the obvious reason that he resembles Jimmy Cricket.

That's the sign of a good nickname, and a good nicknamer.

The Royals as a whole have historically bad nicknames, and I can only blame Trey Hillman for this. Miggy is an obviously lame nickname. Banny is worse. Bucky is downright silly, and an insult to any number of junior high girls who can't afford braces. Blumey is as predictable as Mike Jacobs chewing on the end of his finger, the count 0 and 2, and a strong gust of wind about to blow. In fact, the only real nickname on the Royals roster the double-amputee known as Coco, but the problem there is that is apparantly his real name, and, let's face it, "Coco" mostly conjures thoughts of an over-the-hill stripper.

Lame nicknames are bad for morale. This is self-evident. But what makes for a good nickname? This is self evident too: a good nickname requires some element of insult. These are the nicknames that stick. These are the nicknames that are funny, nay, even make players want to come to the ballpark. Most important, such nicknames actually can affect human behavior for the better.

With all of this said, I hereby offer just a few candidates for nicknames to help the Royals out of their nickname slump. Feel free to modify or make your own suggestions:

1. Alberto Collaspo: "das Boot". You tell me if that won't make him concentrate alittle harder on the next two-hopper.

2. Alex Gordon: "Train Smoke". As in, his swing is longer than Train Smoke. This nickname alone will save us 20 strikeouts a year.

3. Jose Guillen: "Old Slow Trot". Has the benefit of being (1) accurate, and (2) an allusion to Civil War General George Thomas, and, by the way, a nickname given to him by Abe Lincoln, his Commander-In-Chief.

4. Kyle Farnsworth: "Malpractice." Self-evident. Can double as Dayton Moore's new nickname when discussing Farnworth signing. Two birds with one stone and all that.

5. Juan Cruz: "The Sieve." Usually reserved for goalies in hockey, but an exception would seem justified under the circumstances.

These new nicknames alone will be worth three more wins this season, and I can guarantee Trey Hillman's press conferences will be more interesting if he will only take this one simple step of Nickname Reform.

Hopefully he will do this.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.