Diagnosing the Royals-3

Ailment #4:   Bad Facial Hair

Bad hair can be as demoralizing as a bad nickname.    Bad facial hair, being a subset of "Bad Hair" generally, falls within this class, but also has great predictive value.   Anybody who disagrees with this basic statement about human nature need only be reminded of the following two words:  Angel Berroa.   Admit it:  what you remember most about him is his bad beard.

This has been a problem for the Royals since Day 1 of this season.   Perhaps I am old school, but I have trouble respecting an Opening Day starter who sports a beard not unlike the average Pizza Delivery Guy.   I am not impressed by a wisp of beard.  Sorry to all you hippies out there who double as Royals fans.

Gil Meche's season has been analyzed from every possible angle (pitch count, back spasms, tired arm syndrome, etc.), but as far as I am aware, nobody has really looked closely into the effect of his Beard Patch on opposing hitters.   Seriously, why the Beard Patch?   How can opposing hitters take a pitcher seriously when he is sporting a such a thing, and why do the Royals have so many Beard Patches?   What do the Yankees know about bad facial hair that we don't?

Miggy (Miguel Olivo, aka "Cool Breeze") sports an ugly Beard Patch about half the time.   TJ (Tony Pena Jr., aka "DFA") used to carry one in his arsenal of problem behaviors.   Jake (Mike Jacobs, aka "Inning Ender") goes back and forth between a clean look and the dreaded Patch, for reasons nobody has ever satisfactorily explained.    And there are others.   You know who there are.  

Students of Royals' history will recall that, a few years back, you could not swing a dead cat in the Royals clubhouse without hitting a Royals pitcher who (1) had an ERA of over 6.0 and (2) wasn't sporting a half-baked Fu Man Chu.    Can you say Jose Lima?   The current Royal Beard Patch has become the Fu Man Chu of yesteryear.   With predictable results. 

Along with outlawing the word "hopefully" and passing out new nicknames, Hillman needs to have every Royal go to the barber and get a good old fashioned barber shop shave.    And, he can start with that abomination above his own upper lip, for all of the obvious reasons.

Three more wins, guaranteed.