In Part One and Part Two of my series of conspiracy theories for why the Kansas City Royals have seen their "magical" 2009 season tank right before their eyes, I examined how Trey Hillman's moustache is the root of all issues with the team's performance. Trey's friends in Japan are aware of this fact, however their urgent message to Trey informing him of his facial hair folly was intercepted via the enemy in Washington's FCC offices (jealous to have a team worse than the Natinals), having received assistance from Seattle's Grass Creek conspirators.
Royals Review's attempt to save the Royals' season by delivering the news to the Treydaddy went awry in Toronto when our messenger, devil_fingers, came down with an emergency appendix operation the day of the game. Kansas City struck back against Washington by drafting noted Nationals hater, Aaron Crow, but the DC/Seattle faction countered by wiping out Ryan Lefebvre and forcing Royals fans to be subjected to Bob Davis.
Our latest installment of Conspiracy Theory Rock! examines the latest developments in this ever-growing MLB conspiracy that has seen the Royals season slowly and painfully circle down the drain of ineptitude.
So the Royals move forward, with a moustached leader aimlessly directing his team closer and closer to oblivion, a play-by-play guy sidelined, and a resident sabermetrician appendix-less. Meanwhile, the dark underbelly of the Kansas City Royals fanbase (located somewhere near the stadium in Raytown, I believe) grows larger and larger every day, slowly and meticulously plotting its revenge.............
Such was the state of affairs the last time we visited the conspiracy that has shaken the Kansas City Royals organization and fanbase to its core. Much has changed, yet much remains the same. The Royals have an even more-moustached leader (which I didn't realize was possible) who has successfully taken his team into oblivion, and while Ryan Lefebvre has recovered from his voice issues, our nemeses in DC/Seattle scored a resounding victory by forcing FSN viewers to spend a few innings each night with Bob Davis calling the action. The exact count is unknown, but following Davis' fill-in duty, there were "more than a few" cases of RSTN flashbacks being severe enough that it forced some FSN viewers to shout out cries of despair in their sleep involving 2006 Royal relief pitching legends Steve Stemle, Adam Bernero, Seth Etherton, and the immortal Chris Booker.
However, it hasn't been all bad news on the Royals' front. We were able to pawn off the craptasticity of Horacio Ramirez onto Washington AFTER they were desperate enough to sign Robert Meiklejohn "Mike" MacDougal to their team and quickly install him as their closer! However, Mac the Ninth has been surprisingly effective (for himself) in DC, having only allowed an earned run in two of his 15 appearances for the Nationals, while amassing three saves for the worst team in baseball (however KC is making a strong push for this "crown"). Meanwhile, our boy Horacio is toiling away in AAA for Washington, putting up a 0-0 record in three starts, giving up four runs in 11 IP.
But other than that, it's been bad news for the Boys in Blue. They sit with the fourth worst record in baseball, and it's falling faster by the day. Many fans have conceded the notion that it's only a matter of time before Cleveland eclipses Kansas City in the standings, forcing the Royals back into the AL Central basement. Please shield your eyes as you look at the MLB inverted standings:
Kansas City 10
That represents a two game improvement from where KC was the last time we checked on the inverted standings (aka The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes), but things are definitely not looking up for Kansas City fans. Just in the last few days, the Royals organization banned one of its most popular bloggers (and optimistic fans) in the Rany-gate scandal. As has been pointed out numerous times here on Royals Review, it's obvious that Dayton Moore and the other higher-ups at Kauffman Stadium don't own a computer. This begs the question: How did the Royals organization find out about Rany's bashing of trainer Nick Swartz?
Through the media? Players? Fans? George Brett? Nope, nope, nope, and (holds up three fingers) nope. I'm shocked that nobody has made this connection yet........(i hope you're sitting down for this)........
I know what you're thinking: "Who? Is that Rusty Kuntz's brother?" I can't answer the latter question, but I can tell you who Lee Kuntz is (emphasis mine below):
Lee enters his second year with the Washington Nationals as Head Athletic Trainer. He attended Lock Haven University of PA, majored in Health and Physical Education with a specialization in Athletic Training. He received his Masters degree from Tennessee Tech. Upon graduation he took a job as Head Athletic Trainer at the Glen Mills School in Concordville, PA. He entered professional baseball in June 1985 when he accepted a position as a minor league athletic trainer for the Cleveland Indians. He worked his way up through their minor league system starting in Batavia, NY in 1985, Waterloo, IA 1986, Kinston, NC 1987, and Williamsport, PA 1988. Following the 1988 season he left baseball and took a clinical athletic training position with the Sports Medicine Center of Macon, GA. He eventually took charge of their athletic training outreach program to 7 local high schools in middle Georgia. In 1990 he returned to baseball again in Cleveland’s minor league system at the AA level. He remained at Canton-Akron 1990-92. He moved up to AAA Charlotte 1993-94. The Indians relocated their AAA franchise to Buffalo in 1995, and he was athletic trainer there from 1995-98. He was named Assistant Athletic Trainer for the Kansas City Royals in December 1998 and remained in that capacity during the 1999-2002 seasons. Following the 2002 season he returned again to the Cleveland Indians as Minor League Rehabilitation Coordinator and Medical Point person. He held that position from Nov 2002 until he was named Head Athletic Trainer for the Nationals. He has a wife, Leslie and two children, Leah and Emily.
CUE EXPLODING HEAD PIC!!!!!
Doesn't it all make sense now? Since obviously the Royals front office don't own computers, they were oblivious to Rany's criticism of Head Trainer Nick Swartz until they were notified by Washington Nationals head trainer (and former Assistant Trainer in Kansas City) Lee Kuntz!!! That's right! The conspiracy has infiltrated the Washington Nationals clubhouse! Kuntz obviously wanted to stand up for his mentor, Swartz, and deal another death-blow to the Royals and its fanbase. One quick phone call to his former colleagues in Kansas City, and "BOOM, Rany's Roasted!" He's probably sitting back at his desk in the Nationals' offices, laughing away at the controversy that's been swirling around this ballclub in the last few days. I cannot confirm nor deny that this photo was taken of Kuntz at his desk earlier this season:
So there you have it, folks. Was there really any other logical explanation for how KC execs found out about Rany's blog, and why they took action against it so harshly? Curse you Washington Nationals Conspirators!!!!!!
But if you think that's where the eerie connections end, you are dead wrong my friend. Care to see the face of evil? Here is our #1 Public Enemy, Lee Kuntz, from his profile page on the Professional Baseball Athletic Trainers Society website:
Where have you seen that moustache before? Ahhh yes......you know it.....on the Treydaddy himself.
This pains me to say it, but I must bring up the following question: Is Trey Hillman part of some secret "Moustache Mafia" conspiracy group fixated on destroying the Kansas City Royals and its fans? Before you're quick to respond to my inquiry (here's looking at you Ken Rosenthal), look back up at the profile of Kuntz where I highlighted certain pieces of information. Did you notice the seemingly random bold text I put on the minor league organizations where Kuntz got his start in athletic training? Do you know what connection those towns have to the Royals? Check out this timeline of events:
You can't make this stuff up folks. The conspiracy grows thicker and thicker by the day. I'm having a hard time trying to wrap my brain around these recent developments myself. Obviously the Washington Nationals have it out for Kansas City and the Royals organization. They're tired of being the laughingstock of Major League Baseball and they're trying to drag KC down with them. Their head trainer has a direct link to Nick Swartz and Kansas City, and he appears to be the man behind the tattle-taling that resulted in Rany's ban from the Royals. Has he somehow sabotaged Nick Swartz's training abilities as well? Did he destroy all Nick's materials on how to diagnose and treat baseball injuries after borrowing them to "learn the ropes" during his time in Kansas City? Is Nick Swartz an innocent victim himself in this conspiracy?
And what about the bizarre Moustache Mafia connection with Kuntz and Trey Hillman? Is it not merely coincidence that Hillman and Kuntz progressed through the Cleveland Indians' minor league system at the exact same speed every single year, Trey as a player and Lee Kuntz as his trainer? How does Trey fit in to all of this? Is he simply a mole for Washington in their conspiracy to destroy Kansas City Royals baseball? Only time will tell my friends. Only time will tell. But for now it seems that Trey's friends in Japan were right--his moustache is, in fact, the root of all evil.
Until then, the dark clouds of conspiracy swirl even more ominously over One Royal Way, Kansas City, MO 64129. The Royals are barely holding on to fourth place in the division, one of our most well-known and respected bloggers was banned from team personnel, a new Royal player is seemingly out for the season every other week, and the Moustache Mafia connections between Hillman, Swartz, and Lee Kuntz have paralyzed a fanbase. Who knows where this strange saga will lead us to next. I'm going to tomorrow's game (assuming I don't get banned in the next 10 hours) and I'll be scrounging around for clues, but for the sake of everyone involved, let's just hope that the Royals don't take the field tomorrow looking like this: