Who Sucked, Part 1: There was one man who was the Iceman for the 2009 Royals in the month of August, and that man was Willie Bloomquist. In the month of August, Bloomquist hit .179/.207/.238. Which means that if you stuck your tongue on Willie Bloomquist this month, the paramedics would need to be called to disconnect you from St. Willie without major damage to your mouth. Keep in mind, that Willie Bloomquist's August (15 for 84) was mainly accumulated batting 2nd. Infants with bad tempers were better at setting the table than Willie Bloomquist in the month of August.
To put it simply, Willie Bloomquist entered August as a respectable overrated hitter (.274/.320/.378) and exited it as a black hole of suck (.251/.294/.345). Congrats Willie, entities which have their stock value fall that far in a month are usually expelled from the Nasdaq.
Who Ruled, Part 1: David DeJesus somehow accumulated more total bases in less time at the plate than Billy Butler. DeJesus hit .324/.402/.565 in August with 5 doubles, 3 triples, and 5 home runs. When David DeJesus was at the plate, you could expect him to get .6 of a base. Which means that over 27 outs, a team of 9 August DeJesus's would gain 16 bases. David DeJesus put up the kind of month that should be applauded with more than a Gold Glove campaign. While DeJesus has a good glove, his bat was a lot more helpful in August. It especially helped Butler to have at least one of the two hitters directly in front of him not be an automatic out.
Who Sucked, Part 2: If one wants to lower the requirements for the Suck Trophy, then Josh Anderson deserves a suck trophy for his .250/.278/.250 line. Pork rinds have more nutritional value than Josh "Buntzilla" Anderson's hitting has to the team. Miraculously, Anderson was able to connect with 13 singles and 0 extra-base hits. Alex Gordon's August was also pretty craptacular before he was exiled to Siberia. But Alberto Callaspo will get the second Suck Trophy for his .255/.320/.318 line. Alberto went 28 for 110 on the month with 24 singles, 2 doubles, a triple and home run. As to how many dumb errors he made in August, I have no clue because they all sort of blend together. It's like getting hit repeatedly in the crotch by a beer bottle. If it happens enough, you kind of blend them.
Who Ruled, Part 2: Despite the efforts of Mitch Maier to be awesome, Billy Butler had lots of friggin doubles this month. Billy Butler's .308/.346/.496 line for this month with 10 doubles in 117 AB was pretty damned good. The accomplishment of being the fastest big man on the team and having 10 doubles in a month is one that should be acknowledged. Billy Butler and David DeJesus are the two things keeping this team from being a scene from Lord of the Flies.
Misc. Hitters Who Sucked In August: Mark Teahen's .250/.298/.385 line was pretty much the worst you could expect. Fortunately for the Royals office, most of Teahen's August was not spent in the cleanup spot. But he was put in the cleanup spot by
the Trey Hillman Random Lineup Generator John Gibbons on Monday night. Mike Jacobs also kind of cooled off to only hit .284/.333/.403, but Mike Jacobs' August was far better than his June and July so he's on a curve. Not to be confused with curveballs, the mortal enemy of Pedro Serrano Mike Jacobs.
Misc. Hitters Who Ruled in August: Mitch Maier drew more walks in a month than Miguel Olivo has drawn in a season (oddly enough, so did Alberto Callaspo). Mitch's valiant fight against unemployment might be enough to insure that he plays when Jose Guillen makes his return to the abled list. This is of course assuming that The Mustache won't play Willie Bloomquist over Mitch Maier against LHP. Yuniesky Betancourt continued his odd surge in extra-base hits, hitting 11 XBH in 95 AB this month. This appears to prove that when Yuniesky gets the ball out of the infield, he will go for second base. Hopefully nobody introduces him to obsessive-aggressive activities like streetracing or Facebook.
This Relief Pitcher Sucked in August: Joakim Soria gave up more runs in August than John Bale and Jamey Wright, which knocked the J-Twins out of the running for a Suck Trophy. Roman Colon managed to evade unemployment and effectiveness in August. But Kyle Farnsworth was giving up runs like Larry Stewart giving out $100 bills on a generousity binge. Professor Farnsworthless gave up 6 runs in 5 IP and once again proved that Kyle Farnsworth just doesn't get it done in any situation that matters. It's so great that we're paying Kyle to be a $4.5M mop-up man.
This Relief Pitcher Ruled in August: Robinson Tejada actually pitches competantly if you let him start an inning instead of putting him out there in the middle of an inning. 14 2/3 innings pitched with one of his runs allowed. Although Robinson's success is leading to him being put in situations will he will likely fail spectacularly.
This Starting Pitcher Sucked in August: Gil Meche has given up 19 runs in 21 innings pitched as part of an elaborate impersonation of Scott Elarton. Letting Meche throw for 120 pitches plus with his multiple ailments has been shown to be a worse idea than driving over curbs constantly with your car. Davies, Hochevar and Bannister have also sucked in August but none of them have sucked to the consistent level that Gil Meche has sucked. Bruce Chen looks like Tom Glavine compared to Gil Meche.
This Starting Pitcher Ruled in August: We were going to give the award to Luke Hochevar, but he was walking in the other direction and not paying attention to his surroundings. So instead, Zack Greinke gets the "Awesome Trophy" for pitchers. If you have to be told why Greinke gets the trophy, then you're not paying enough attention to this team.
So congratulations to our award winners, Willie, David, Bert, Billy, Farnsworth, Robinson, Gil, and Zack.
Now it's September, time for us to see the triumphant return of Jose Guillen along with the debut of an 11 man bullpen where Trey always calls on John "The Jaws of Death"/"Doorpuncher" Bale to get us out of jams.