Poem of the Day: Jose Canseco's Twitter Page
by RoyalsRetro on Oct 5, 2010 3:35 PM EDT
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i need an attorney pro bono
my lanlord evicted me
and would not let me take my chandeleers with me
need your help to get them back
i wish the producers would contact me
i'm doing a porn next week
i am hung like a clydesdale
we'll bring a donkey to it's knees baby
if i were a politician things would be different
honor and truth would reign supreme
haters will always lie
why can't you believe
that I no longer need or use steroids
you won't even know when your dead
its like never living
same ass before you where ever born
i am so glad everyone out there has a perfect life
maybe putting me down makes you feel better
glad i can help
i am going to be a manager of a mlb team someday
i want to teach you guys how to hit a baseball or softball
500 feet without the use of steroids
what don't you guys get
I don't use any roids
guys don’t be jealous
cause I am tall dark and handsome
and just turned 46
and have a gorgeous 23 year old girlfriend
not to mention that
i am sleeping in someones garage
but its pretty good
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oh my, these are real
I am only slightly disappointed there is not one where he calls out A-Rod and brags that he banged Madonna “when it meant something.”
46 years old, 23 year old girl friend and sleep in a garage
Sounds like a few of uncles.
- .-. ..- … – / – …. . / .—. .-. - .. . … …
The best thing Conseco ever did
was doing The Simpsons “Homer at the Bat.”
Place witty signature here.
damnit
why don’t I have a mic on my computer… that would be a great song
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bhindepmo (follow me, because reloading my twitter page 40 times a day is kind of creepy)
i am so glad everyone out there has a perfect life
maybe putting me down makes you feel better
batter nine you sucky
haters will always lie
- .-. ..- … – / – …. . / .—. .-. - .. . … …
by Jeff Zimmerman on Oct 6, 2010 9:39 AM EDT up reply actions
I'd buy a book of these.
Or possibly a desk calendar.
"This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."
i would SO go for the desk calendar
it’d be like having an advent calendar for the whole year
for when I'm too lazy to come here, http://twitter.com/AtTheWall
At the bare minimum
this beats turning his Twitter feed into a TV sitcom.
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. -- Albert Einstein
by The Ol' Perfesser on Oct 6, 2010 12:57 PM EDT reply actions
maybe we can adapt the Ducky-based sitcom around Canseco
Instead of the show revolving around his family, Canseco plays the uncle who moves into the garage and has to adjust to life as the nanny for his fictional sibling’s family (making it Ozzie’s family would strain credibility). Oh, wait, that is Eastbound and Down.
We might need to make this a workplace comedy. Maybe Canseco gets a free room at the YMCA in exchange for teaching various classes for a bunch of sassy, streetwise kids who slowly teach him how to open his heart and redeem himself. The sexy but engaged facility director can be the potential love interest, and a wacky staff fills out the rest of the cast. The running joke is that no one knows or cares who he is. The pilot, of course, deals with Canseco finding out one of the kids is contemplating using steroids, and Canseco has to teach the kids a valuable lesson from his own experience.
Canseco lies on his resume and replaces Michael Scott as Manager on The Office
only to get fired and have Pam weasel her way into the job.
Since He's Not
Far from it, he should get a handle on the haiku format and use it exclusively. And learn to use spellcheck.
I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.
Phil, you're trying to destroy art.
Have you not considered the many nuances of meaning introduced into the work by the line “same ass before you where ever born”? If he were to have said “same as before you were ever born” it just doesn’t resonate with the same meaning, the pathos, the self-hatred combined with the delusional aggrandizement, the withered, complex reflections of a tortured Artist.
If you want accuracy, go read the dictionary. If you want to better understand the inner soul of a man, then read Canseco’s tweets.
by Gross(est) on Oct 6, 2010 9:02 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
@@@I Am Humbled@@@
I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.
by philofthenorth on Oct 7, 2010 12:27 AM EDT up reply actions
Some one needs to write a program that randomly takes 3 to 5 lines and makes a new poem each time.
- .-. ..- … – / – …. . / .—. .-. - .. . … …
I could definitely do that
If not for all the other work I have to do…maybe I still will. Have to get my old Perl skills out.
"This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."
by MinnesotaRoyal on Oct 7, 2010 7:26 AM EDT up reply actions
I'd like to see a TV show called "America's Dumbest Celebrity"
You’d get a bunch of fourth-rate jokers like Canseco and Nicole Richie and a Kardashian and Danny Bonaduce and the like, and have them play a game show with questions like “Is a whale a fish, a mammal, or a reptile?” or “What’s the capital of New York?” The gimmick would be that whoever wins gets the money, but whoever loses goes on to the next round.
I officially claim this idea as my own and when it shows up on TV next year, I want a 50% cut of the profits.
"The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" - Unfortunate cricket commentator
That is actually kind of funny and very watchable.
The trick is you have to force everyone to answer.
In order to avoid throwing of the game, you’d have to trick them or offer significant cash prizes for every correct answer like Jeopardy does.
Guaranteed "appearance" fee
should do the trick.
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. -- Albert Einstein
by The Ol' Perfesser on Oct 7, 2010 2:30 PM EDT up reply actions
The winner of each match would win about, say, ten grand
That’d be enough to bring bottom-level celebrities out, and enough to get them to actually try to win. Say you had a 32-celeb knockout field; each one would eventually win (and be eliminated) except for the Grand Champion, who gets some sort of booby prize for being so dumb that he humiliated himself repeatedly on national TV for nothing.
You could hook up with one of those offshore betting companies and get them to take real-time bets on whether Canseco would get the next question right or wrong.
Meanwhile, in the green room before each match you ply the celebs with alcohol (real) and drugs (fake, so no serious laws are being broken) and bring in a hooker to offer her services to the male contestants. You video it all and sell the film as “America’s Dumbest Celebrities Gone Wild!”
"I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done. I'm not proud of biting the head off a bat, or having a poor education, or drinking too much and taking illegal drugs. But it could be worse. I could be that c**t Sting." --Ozzy Osbourne
Yes!
But the only way I’m watching is if a majority of Keanu Reeves, Sean Connery, Bert Reynolds, and Jeff Goldblum are on it. And if we can’t get Alex Trebek to host, we just pay Will Ferrell to do it.
C'MON, FERRELL!
I used to be an A's fan until they left town and got good.
by philofthenorth on Oct 12, 2010 5:39 PM EDT up reply actions
Not since I read of Whitman’s unabashed exuberance for his homeland in Leaves of Grass have my eyes taken in such stirring words. My heart soars with each syllable, my love for this country and this man strengthened in every stanza.
But enough about Robert Frost. What is this tripe?
I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing Matt Cain.
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