Five Bits of Advice for Sam Mellinger Upon His Promotion to Columnist for the KC Star

1. If you're going to pick a pitcher for a man-crush and series of columns, make sure and do so during a season in which he's going to gets shelled into oblivion.
2. Play your cards right, and one day you might just get an unsolicited phone call from Mike Sweeney in order to further explain his long-awaited admission that , during the 2000 season, after having a blackberry schnapps, he once snapped and called Ann Landers a "boring old biddy."
3. "What is Ken Harvey up to now? " is good for at least one column a season.
4. Savor the feeling of this promotion. You will remember this day for the rest of your life.
5. Two words: Farnsy Log