FanPost

Willie Bloomquist: The Man, The Myth, The Grit

William Steel Bloomquist was born in a spaceship hovering over an active volcano on November 27, 1949 (Fun Fact: November 27 is the same date in which the First Crusade was declared, Jimi Hendrix was born, and Baby Face Nelson died guns blazing against the FBI.) Maxwell Bloomquist immediately placed his son under the care of a pack of gray wolves somewhere in Canada, signaling the beginning of Willie's eventual rise to fulfill the prophecy of his ancestors.

[Disclaimer - If you think Willie was born in 1977, you are sadly mistaken. He changed his year of birth from 1949 to 1977 so that he wouldn't have to hear about Dave Niehaus calling him an "old man" during Mariner games.]

 

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Fact: This was the original idea for the shirt, but Willie was ultimately taken out because every women who looked at the design instantly became pregnant.

For the next 15 years, Willie was known as "Growl-howl-growl-growl" to his wolf brethren, a name which means "Hairless-Dirt-Man." He became a skilled hunter, often catching fully grown moose and grizzly bears with his best friend, "Howl-growl" or, "Jeremy." On his 15th birthday, as part of a ritual stated in the prophecy, Willie was brought to the outskirts of a small town in Ontario. He was given ragged clothes taken from a drunken homeless man, and was told to lure a human back to the wolves for human sacrifice. For the sake of being more human, Willie was taught English in the months leading up to the ritual, and also learned of his true name.

Willie went out at night, and be it by chance, dumb luck, or actual choice, he walked into a pot party being held in a basement. One of the stoners was future Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson, who quickly accepted the quiet Willie. After a quick discussion, Willie was soon sitting on a chair, very high, very confused. The stoners took a liking to Willie, even though he was caked with dirt and kept mumbling about taking one of them to the wolves. Alex and one of his pals began a very baked version of "Run Willie Run" while Willie slowly became incapacitated on a chair. When he woke up the next morning and he enjoyed a pancake breakfast courtesy of Alex Lifeson's mother, he realized he preferred this kind of life.

Hooraaaaaaay for Mary J!  (via cristobaldominguez)

 

 

Willie soon became very attached to both marijuana and Canadians, and more-or-less gave his family the middle finger, as the prophecy was never fulfilled, and his home planet was destroyed by an unknown evil force. To this day the entire wolf population holds a grudge against him.

[Dayton - What a badass]

For the next few decades, Willie Bloomquist embarked on worldwide journey, often popping up in areas of conflict or cultural importance. His adventure, which he later reminisced about in his autobiography Going Places: The Adventures Willie Bloomquist (Forward by Kiefer Sutherland) inspired the movie Forrest Gump, James Cameron, and the world. He earned some extra money by selling the rights to his Pet Rock idea. He also claims to have bedded over 10,000 women during his travels, claims that I support 100%.

[Dayton - I'd have sex with him]

[Ned - I'd have sex with him]

[slayor - I'd have sex with him]

[Trey - Why dont u guyz answer my txts???]

[slayor - GO DIE IN YOUR MOTHER'S ASSHOLE TREY]

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Willie scurries away after stopping moving tanks in Tienanmen Square by placing a mortified young man in front of them.

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Willie Ballgame enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of the Berlin Wall

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Willie at the site of the Exxon Valdez spill. He reportedly saved over 12,000 sea critters, including a family of narwhals.

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Willie practices his swing during the L.A. Riots

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The Silent Assassin's cherry bomb prank goes horribly awry in Waco.

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After proving OJ guilty of murder, he was chased for 50 miles by OJ in his Bronco. Run Willie run indeed...

 

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Willie, always the budding actor, finally got his big break playing the role of Rock Jones, Matrix's eager, funny, and ruthless sidekick.

 

Bloomquist made it a ritual to collect the dirt from every country he visited, possibly an origin of his obsession with grit. He eventually married and settled down, but like every other alien/playboy/action hero, Willie could not stay in such a normal state for long. In 2000 he joined the Seattle Mariners, and played there until 2009, when he joined what he calls a more "Patriotic" team in the Kansas City Royals. As a baseball player, Willie's love of grit has turned into a borderline obsession, and he can be found constantly attempting to steal bases and slide in the dirt at every possible opportunity. He finds grass and turf to be boring, and when assigned to play outfield, Willie can often be found making sand grit castles on the warning track with fellow teammate and soldier of fortune, Jose Guillen.

[Dayton - You're my boy, Bloom!]

That's the story of Bloomquist up to this point. I got lazy due to having re-write the whole first half after my power went out (God damn storms) but will provide you with a few more of Willie's major accomplishments.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist invented water.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist won 11 Noble Peace Prizes, and allowed Barack Obama to win what would've been number 12.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist recorded 9 Platinum records, including his 100X Platinum album "All Eyes on MC13"

Fact: Willie Bloomquist once scored 4 touchdowns and caught the Golden Snitch in one game for Polk High.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist was a 5 times Parade All-American in high school.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist wrote "War and Peace" in 30 minutes. Tolstoy ain't got shit on him.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist is the strongest man in the world, stronger than even Jason Kendall.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist won the 1996, 2003 and 2009 Mr. Universe contest. Unfortunately, he was prevented fromentering the 2010 contest as it was finally adjudged that it would make proceedings too unfair for other contestants.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist beat Coco Crisp at WoW once.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist invented the internet, along with Al Gore.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist is an international hero, a real life Austin Powers.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist found a cure for cancer, but is waiting for someone worthy enough to share the secret with. Unfortunately, that person may never come.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist won OVER 9000 gold medals

Fact: Willie Bloomquist was the first man on the Moon, and it wasn't even as part of that faked landing either.

Fact: Willie Bloomquist was the 5th member of the Beatles

H/T: http://www.angelfire.com/stars/yinka/work.html

[Everyone - We love you, Willie. But only because you'd kill us if we didn't]

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via i35.photobucket.com (averagegatsby)

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.

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