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How to increase the World Series TV ratings

Everybody's whining on both coasts about how this World Series is going to get lousy TV ratings because the Phillies and Yankees and Red Sox aren't in it. Probably true; a lot of those bandwagon fans have already jumped off, and World Series ratings have been declining for years. To revitalize the TV spectacle, I have three suggestions. 1) Before each game, give each team's manager an unlimited supply of his addictive drug of choice, and then have them fight it out in a no-limits cage wrestling match at home plate. The winner's team gets one run. That should lead to some interesting managerial decisions later. 2) Each team's pitcher has to slam a Bud Light before each inning. By about the fourth inning, the manager will have to start considering whether his starter is too juiced to throw strikes anymore and if he should put in a sober reliever. More strategy, more fun arguments for everyone! Soon there will be stats determining how well all the pitchers do after three, four, five beers. I bet Felipe Paulino would have no problem going eight. That guy must weigh 280. 3) During the seventh-inning stretch, each team must designate one of the players' wives to take part in a mud-wrestling match at home plate. Scoring will be based on a) general hotness b) specific hotness when covered with mud c) wrestling skill. The winner's team will receive two runs. That makes Zack Greinke even more desirable on your team, since Emily is definitely hot and shows some spunk. It'd probably keep Matt Treanor in the league till he's 45, because Misty would destroy all the other wives in the ring and score pretty well on the hotness charts, too.

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