The best and worst of Royals broadcast advertisements

As if calling into a radio show, I’m a long-time reader, first time FanPoster. I should be extremely nervous for the rash of unabashed judgment that will soon be unleashed on me, but I am not. My post is below, and if you don’t like it, go read your Jurickson Profar and Gio Gonzalez mega-trade scenario FanShots. Haterz gonna hate.

I have no idea if these commercials are seen by everyone. Doesn't matter. More than anything, I just wanted to bellyache about Jen from the Shawnee Mission Kia commercials. Below are the three worst and the one best commercial we are subjected to during Royals broadcasts.

The worst-

3. Sonic (commercial with the ghost eating a hot dog) – Despite having no apparent weight or mass of any kind, we are led to believe a ghost drove himself to a local Sonic, smashed the red button, paid for a hot dog with Boo Berry cereal pieces and can somehow hold the hot dog in his hand, despite BEING A GHOST.

A police officer approaches Casper’s car to ask if he had been disorderly, rattling chains and such. The ghost cannot believe why he is being questioned.

Finally, the camera cuts to a picture of Don Mattingly shaking chains in an apparent comatose ice cream blitz. The officer allows the ghost to carry on with eating a hot dog, yet ignores the greater issue, that of which is the “ghost” is made of blueberry Jell-O and Kool-Aid. Should a Jell-O and Kool-Aid ghost zombie army ever attack Kauffman Stadium, let us first place blame on this poorly trained police officer.

2. Royals Major League Moments (stealing bases) – The commercial starts out with a boy and a man each taking a leadoff from first base. Upon a close-up, I am convinced the man is Jason Kendall, although that is nearly impossible, because Kendall is never on base. Even if he is, he does not steal, as he does not do unto others what they have done to them when he is behind the plate.

The announcer proceeds to let us know that “Stealing is only illegal … if you get caught!” As such a clever line had never been conceived nor heard of in the history post-Hosmer, hilarity ensues and minds explode. Except the hilarity is reserved to Frank White giggles and death has wiped out every mind except for, of course, Kendall, who cannot be destroyed because he is made of substances like oil and construction hats.  

1. Shawnee Mission Kia (Jen with guitarist) – As if this comes as a shock to anyone blessed (cursed?) with sight and the ability to hear. After a long night of (alleged) heroin riffs and keg stands, the advertising department made a vow to make the worst series of commercials possible while still receiving a fat paycheck.

The utter disaster that followed was the creation of Shawnee Mission Kia Jen. On her own, outside of staged commercial backdrops, I’m sure she’s a pleasant person. For this commercial, however, she has splattered ruby red paint all over her lips while singing/talking through a song that helps us all understand how Nickelback got famous.

In the background, a blind and deaf old man, who has been tricked into the advertisement, strums an ugly melody (not that he cares/can tell the difference). After cackling out the rest of her corporate drivel-song, Jen asks Frankie to “bring it on home.” In disgust, Frankie cranks out a few more notes. Jen puts the finishing touches on the song by impersonating the late (may he rest in peace) Macho Man Randy Savage with an “Oohhh yeeaauhh!”

Then I cry myself to sleep, curled up in a ball of self-loathing.  

Honorable mention: AT&T (flash mob) – Because I narrowed this to three, it gets a free pass, but how the guy has mistakenly started the same flash mob, in the same train station, at the same time for what is probably three straight months is baffling to me.

The best-

1800 Tequilla – I am not promoting drinking (although I don’t have to, because you’re Royals fan. You have your reasons). However, the simplistic nature of this commercial is perfect. A hardnosed dude, who probably plays a lot of poker, spends the whole ad railing on cocktails. He proceeds to inform us his cocktail is called “tequila.”

And that’s it. Straightforward. The guy seems angry the entire time - which he probably should be, since he’s surrounded by commercials containing Ben Franklin ghosts and SMK Jen.

Honorable mention: Toyota Tundra – The commercial isn’t memorable, and that’s OK. They’re all good. It’s just a 30-second blip of trucks doing awesome jobs like pulling concrete mixers. I could watch that for 30 minutes.