Hello Faddah, Hello Muddah,
Here I am to write annudah
Note from Kauffman - just a quick one.
Just to vent about these young guys ‘fore I kick one.
I don’t under - stand this roster.
Gave my spot to Eric Hosmer
He might be a little longer
But my badass doughboy physique is much stronger
They just brought back Danny Duffy
He says I look somewhat "fluffy"
No respect from these dumb rookies
Not one of them even brought me Keebler cookies
Then there’s Chris Getz, he’s in favor
Even more than Luke Hochevar
Coach just plays them for aesthetics
That’s my guess because they lack baseball genetics
Take meeee home, oh Faddah Muddah
Trade meeee oh, oh to anuddah
Team that doesn’t think their Minor
League system has won it already.
Take meee home, I promise I will not make scowls
Or other mean looks with my jowls
Oh please don’t make me stay
I’ve been here since Baird’s days...
The locker room is depressing
Must be careful when undressing
Don’t turn around if there’s a clang
It's just Frenchy helicoptering his wing-wang.
Then there’s Melky when I’m showering
In that stall it’s... overpowering
Learned his lesson ‘bout his bowels
Now he’s pooping every time his stomach growls.
Dearest Muddah, darling Faddah
I don’t know why I should boddah.
With this team that’s always losing
Mitch Maier’s the only one I find amusing.
Wait a minute - there’s a Wendy’s
Want a triple burger with cheese
And a frosty to give me reason
Muddah Faddah to finish out all this season!