The following is a guest post by Clam Simmons, a librarian living in New England. Clam is not my pen name or persona. Clam is on twitter @orangehunchback. He recently contacted me about writing a series of pieces about the 1994 Royals. These are their stories.
Catching up with the 1994’s Royals: Pt 2: Mark Gubicza by Clam Simmons
Mark Gubicza Creates Double Trouble
Last week a Royals Nation transplant named Mr. X left me a frantic voice message. He shrieked that I needed to fly out to Orange County, California immediately. Mr. X told me that while he was getting his quarterly trim and shampoo his barber, completely unprompted, dropped some deep thoughts about Hal McRae’s skill set as a manager. Meanwhile Mr. X. noted the barber’s height and the barber’s southpaw grip of the electric clippers. Mr. X. explained that he tried to stay cool but when he glanced over and saw Mark Gubicza’s name on the California state beautician’s license he completely freaked out and ran out of Tommy Chan’s 90210 Hair Club with uneven bangs.
Readers, I get messages about 1994 Royals sightings all the time. Yesterday I had three citizens of Royals Nation report Rusty Meacham sightings. They all said they saw Meacham driving a mini-van full of poodles around Belton, Missouri in broad daylight. Get a grip people. Let Rusty live his life. First rule of RoIJo(Royals Internet Journalism): it’s not news if you catch Wally Joyner buying toilet paper, it’s only news if you catch Wally Joyner stealing toilet paper. Don’t bring your Velveeta to this Tony Muser cheddar party.
I quickly forgot Mr. X’s story but then two days later my fax machine started blowing up. The fax was two images: a screen shot of Gubicza telecasting an Angels’ day game and a photocopy of Mr. X’s phone records highlighting the time of the call he made to me from the parking lot of Tommy Chan’s 90210 Hair Club. I did some internet research and discovered that the day game and the phone call were synchronized. I did even more internet research and discovered that said Angels’ game was an away game. I smelled gold. I cashed up at three different plasma banks and bought a ticket to Los Angeles.
When I first contacted the salon about Gubicza Tommy Chan told me that no one named Gubicza worked for the 90210 Hair Club. On the fourth day someone different answered the phone and I was told that Mark would be taking walk-ins on the following Monday. The following Monday morning I ambushed the tall lefty when he pulled into the parking lot. It felt like it was April 19, 1994 and I was Kirk Gibson and he was still Mark Gubicza. I hopped on top of Gubicza’s Isuzu Amigo and told the former 20-game winner I wouldn’t get off until he gave me an interview. When I started to dent the hood Gubicza agreed to ten minutes in a Ralph’s parking lot. Thankfully I brought batteries for my recording equipment because Mark Steven Gubicza coughed up some stunning revelations.
CS: I just wanted to let you know that I noticed that you’ve been starting to show up two places at once. Royals Nation wants to know, is this a phase?
MG: Let me put it to you this way. Have you seen that show about Urkel?
CS: You mean Family Matters?
CS: Yeah I guess I’ve seen it a couple times.
MG: Do you remember the season seven finale where Urkel kind of hates his life because Laura Winslow does not love him and in a fit of genius Urkel invents a cloning machine that creates a cooler, more confident version of Urkel named Stephan Urquelle?
CS: No. I have not seen that one.
MG: What if I told you that the Urkel cloning machine exists at a research lab at Pepperdine University and it’s called the Pepperdine Duplicator.
CS: Mark Gubicza are you saying you cloned yourself?
MG: No comment but I will say that people think Pepperdine is expensive because it’s by the ocean and has a great location. They’re wrong. It’s expensive because ninety percent of tuition goes to funding the Duplicator’s hydro-accelerator.
CS: I’m sorry… let’s take a step back; did you not want to be a baseball player when you grew up?
MG: Great question. I’m not going to answer your question directly but I will hint at an answer in the form of my next question to you. If you had a profession that you paid you very well but left you unfulfilled wouldn’t you pay a million dollars to undergo an experimental hydro-procedure to create a duplicate version of yourself so that you could follow your true passion?
CS: I don’t have a million dollars.
MG: I think you just answered my question.
CS: Right…so do you talk to the other Gubicza?
MG: Time’s up. You will have to excuse me, but there’s a scalp at Tommy Chan’s with dry and damaged hair and it’s screaming for moisture.
CS: Please answer the question. It’s my last one and you will never see me on the hood of your Isuzu ever again. Do you talk to the other Gubicza?
MG: Or only communication is knowledge, the knowledge that I made the sacrifices necessary to allow for his creation.