I meant to post the shortly after the first post of 6 Items You Don't Need From the Official Online Store of the Kansas City Royals, but I got distracted and lazy. It never was my attention to draw precious revenue away from our beloved small-market team by pointing out items you shouldn't buy, so in the interest of fairness (and at the risk of looking like a wannabe cracked.com author as someone pointed out), below are 8 items you might actually want to purchase to show your support for the Royals.
1985 World Series Mega Ticket ($99.99 – Girl not included)
Why you might need it: Combines the best parts of winning a Publishers Clearing House check (jumbo-sized souvenir of a paper-based object whose regulation size does not do justice) with the best known way for Royals fans to needle annoying Cardinals fans. "Mega tickets are ideal for autographs" according to the product description. As this is a game 7 ticket, a Don Denkinger autograph may be viewed as excessive, but a Bret Saberhagen/John Tudor dual autograph fortunately would not.
Metal Diamond Plate Trailer Hitch Cover ($38.99)
Why you might need it: Throw out the fact that it's way past due for you discard that pair of hanging testes trailer hitch that is currently hanging off the back of your '94 Silverado; this item works as a better joke prop as it leads nicely into commentary about you staying ahead of the bandwagoners who will soon be jumping on behind you. All aboard!
Power Decal ($24.99)
Why you might need it: While having the ability to display your Royals devotion at all hours of the day with a lighted decal certainly has appeal in and of itself, the Royals own colors can be used to one's advantage simply by changing the orientation from the rear window to the windshield. Command respect from other drivers and pass them at your leisure on the way to the K as they feel the need to drop their speed to 5 below the limit as they mistake your innocent display of team spirit for the cherries of a member of law enforcement (warning: probably not legal.)
Tiffany Table Lamp ($129.99)
Why you might need it: Look classier than you probably are with a Tiffany style lamp. Tiffany lamps also emit the perfect amount of dim light for brooding with a sweaty glass of scotch if/when the reality of the 2012 season does not match the current level of heightened expectations.
Bath Robe ($89.99)
Why you might need it: Perfect to recuperate in the day after a Chris-Getz-meaningful-playing-time-induced drinking binge. Also a necessity to pair with the aforementioned Tiffany lamp.
Billiard Lamp ($574.99)
Why you might need it: No joke here. I really want one. I just got in trouble for even looking at it long enough for my wife to see the price tag.
Garden Gnome ($24.99)
Why you might need it: I don't know why anyone would need to argue the merits of a garden gnome, but it has already been done so in the comments section of the other thread. Adds a touch of character to any home garden while helping stave off garden pests, Cardinal fans, and unfortunately meaningful free agent acquisitions.
"I'm The Star!" Personalized CD
Why you might need it:
This 15 minute play-by play CD features professional announcers who call out your full name 30 times as you lead your favorite team to an amazing World Series victory.
Either live vicariously through a fake CD by inserting your own name onto this important anti-historical piece of audio, or create the most hilarious 15 minute drinking game of all time by inserting Jeff Francoeur's (30 times!) Frank giggles not included.