With Danny Duffman's mysterious yet ominous injury, postseason aspirations are coming ever-so-close to being nothing more than whimsical dreams. It is as crystal clear as a 1992 can of Pepsi that there is only one action available to save face for beleaguered Kansas City General Manager Dayton Moore.
Acquire Ryan Braun.
I know what you must be thinking. Can we afford Ryan Braun? Is there room for such a stellar talent on our roster? Will Jeff Francoeur be comfortable giving away leadership opportunities to another grizzled veteran?
Yet drastic times mean drastic transactions. GMDM must atone for past transgressions and turn to Braun, who can inject new life into the boys in blue.
The pride of Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, Ryan Zachary Braun is the consummate candidate to establish our pitching staff as one that strikes terror in opposing batsmen - a fear only he could manifest.
The Royals drafted Braun out of the University of Nevada - Las Vegas with the 162nd pick of the 2003 draft, and he would soon reward them.
In the mid-2000s, Braun received the telegram - telephone technology had yet to be established by curmudgeon owner David Dayne Glass - that he had been deemed of enough season to join the Royals' roster. Inexplicably, his MLB career ended after the 2007 campaign. His career W-L? 2-1.
You see, by acquiring Braun, we guarantee ourselves a pitcher that will win 67 percent of his games. That's just facts. Pitch him every day - CJ Wilson would do it - and this team clears 100 wins. Then the postseason? Winning two-out-of-three puts you on pace for a championship, baby!
The MLB.com 2003 draft page said Braun had a, "Large frame, athletic build. Fluid, quick arm. Fastball, slider, curve. Experienced college pitcher with two average pitches and third not far behind. Competes."
You see that? He competes. All he does is win, win, win no matter what.
As you can glean, Braun produced a devilishly delightful ERA in his time in the big show - one that would trump two current Royals starting pitchers! Stats are fun! ERA is meaningful!
It is difficult to pin down exactly where Braun is these days. The last apparent roster blessed with his precision pitching appears to be the Lancaster Barnstormers of The Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Most likely, he is now honing his skills in a secluded part of the Appalachian Mountains as to allow children not to have to sleep in the fear of one day witnessing his fastball, which has been known to cause ocular damage in mere mortals.
Wherever he is, it is certain that he possesses the tools to save this team from the certain embarrassment it would incur were it to miss the playoffs.
What might it take to convince him to rejoin a franchise that once passed him by as common, middle-class filth? It is hard to discern. Possibly a plate of Oklahoma Joe's would entice him. Perhaps a lady of the night, as well - although one without herpes, as that disease has been known to cause issues for other major leaguers.
For this writer, I cannot fathom another name that would bring such immediate credibility, such performance enhancement, back to this organization than one Ryan Braun.