*After another disappointing loss General Ned Yost gathers his players and members of the Royals for a meeting.
Yost: "It looks like everyone is here. Wait! Where the hell is Frenchy?
Moustakas: "Frenchy left the dugout in the 5th and has been having continuous sex with a group of brazilian tourists. Quintero tried to join them, but Frenchy said "In America only white men get to have the foreign girls." Then Humberto said the same Spanish curse words he says when he flies out to shortstop in important AB's."
Yost: "Well men today just wasn't our day. We need to change our approach, we can't keep taking pitches for strikes. So next game a fine of $500 will be applied for any player who takes a pitch, just not for you Jarrod.
*Dayton and Ned take turns petting Jarrod's head.*
Maier: But coach, with all this time on the bench I started reading a cool book. It says that if you walk and take pitches it will help you win!
*Yost snatches the book from Maier's hands as Mitch is carried away by security guard Sir Sidney Ponson."
Yost: Hey Dayty come take a look at this, *Dayton Moore walks over and reads the front cover of the book*
Moore: Well this here is a copy of Moneyball. This book is ruining our game. What the hell is baseball without sacrifice bunts. *Moore and Yost take turns burning every page of the book*
*Jin Wong, The Director of Baseball Administration, walks in to share some stats*
Wong: Hey Ned and Dayton, I think I have some valuable numbers for you to look at. *Numbers show how Jarrod Dyson actually sucks at baseball*
Moore: Ooh sorry Jin we decided last night that we had to relieve you of your duty and look for someone who is umm how do you say, "closer to the dirt."
*At that moment Lee "Big Fella" Judge unnecessarily pop up slides into the locker room, decked out in a complete Royals uniform that everyone assumed was loaned to him after him and Chris Getz had a long "evening on the town" last night.
Judge: "Thanks Dayton, I'd just like to comment on some statistics I've been going over for a while. First of all you need to trade Paulino because he is a clubhouse cancer, second Luke Hochevar needs to be extended now because his wife makes me the best damn egg salad sandwiches, third Chris Getz needs to be cloned and play every position because I've never seen a player get his jersey as dirty as Chris's. *Judge proceeds to give Getz a lap dance*
*Frenchy now strolls into the locker room completely nude*
Frenchy: Hey boys! I just fucked the fattest girl I've ever seen to act as a slump-buster and now that last step in winning a championship is nude Batting Practice*
*All the Royals players follow Frenchy to the cage in the nude, except for Mitch Maier who reluctantly wears a swimming suit saying "My mom said only my family and my doctor can see my pee pee.*