Perhaps the most important series of fanposts written continues its arduous journey into the season-long abyss we know as Royals' fandom (how existential!) with ... trumpets please ... I SAID TRUMPETS DAMMIT, NOT TERRY SHUMPERT ...
The Second Annual Best and Worst of Royals Broadcast Advertisements.
Enough of an introduction. We're meandering our way to the meat of the post in the same style Yummiest Betancourt attacks a soft grounder to his left. Let us continue ...
3. Jack Link's Beef Jerky (Messin' With Sasquatch glow sticks) - It pains me that it has come to this. I truly enjoyed these advertisements when they first hit the boob tube. Silly, for sure, but it was a different approach from the regurgitated drivel we typically see.
But as each installment becomes more mundane, a sense of procured hatred fills my life. It reached its precipice with a new ad involving glow sticks. The ad makes no sense. Sasquatch gets mad because the cannibis-induced halcyon teenagers razzed him by not giving him a glow stick. I'm with you so far. So his retaliation is to throw a man into a port-o-potty, and as a result, coating a woman who was mostly irrelevant to the commercial in feces. Why?
2. Shawnee Mission Kia Jen (dog days of summer) - This is a big win for Jen, as she avoids the back-to-back and is only dubbed "second worst." Her standards are in line with those of the Royals.
Our eyes are immediately poisoned by a double dose of decay. Not only is Jen sporting a pink tank top with an enormous 'Hey!' across the bosom - because 'Hey, it's Jen!' Don't ever forget! - but the venom continues while she holds a dog coping with the final stages of cardiac arrest. The dog's eyes are thinly glazed, blindly pierced by Jen's bedazzler outfit.
A generic thermometer permeates the TV screen, letting us know it's hot outside. This is unbeknownst to us. I thought the 105-degree simmer was quite agreeable today. Jen begins to babble in baby talk at the dog, stabbing its ear drums with a voice equivalent to 1,000 stinging Chris Getz bat swings. The commercial concludes. Unconfirmed reports from Lee Judge state the dog began to chew through its own throat after filming was completed.
In seriousness, I am sure Jen is a fine person in reality, but these commercials are downright awful. I don't understand why Shawnee Mission Kia continues to trot them out there. I guess maybe its a successful ad campaign. Just trust the process. I'll give a shoutout to Jen here - click here if you'd like to visit the 'Hey It's Jen' Facebook page. Hooray!
1. AT&T U-Verse Wireless Receiver (Olympics) - My mind cries hollow tears as it tries to analyze this.
We begin with a girl whose voice is on a similar level of deplorable as SMK Jen. We also notice she is wearing overalls over her bathing suit non-ironically. She tries to sell us on how difficult life was before AT&T U-Verse. Because the average median Americana family was so distraught - so embarrassed of its filthy ways - when they were unable to watch the 2008 Olympics from a swimming pool. Woe is life, and life is woe!
Somewhere in the middle, the presumed homeless child utters, "no sir-e-Bob." The children in the pool reply, "Who's Bob?" A laughable response. Who's Bob? Really? BOB HAMELIN, YOU FOOLS. Can you not see the resemblance of the little girl to her estranged father, Royals great Bob Hamelin? The glasses? Overalls? The not-so-slim stature?
Can't wait til the girl gets a makeover from Freddie Prinze III in "She's All That 2 - All That AND a Bag of Chips!"
Honorable Mention: Subway (any ad where they talk like babies) - What audience does baby talk appeal to? Bruce Chen and Brayan Pena. That's it. "It's yummy avacado!" Spare me your apocryphal advertisements.
Kansas City Chevy Dealers (Hosmer and Moustakas) - It isn't going to hurt an ad's chances to win me over if it drops in some Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas. But I get a kick out of athletes that put an effort into the community. Did they get paid to do this spot? Probably. I'm cognizant of that. Regardless, they could have said no. The expressions on the kids' faces are stellar. You do have to love the essential 'Mooooossse' calls in the video.
We also can learn from this video. We know that, unfortunately, Moustakas took his pitching lessons from Jonathan Sanchez, as MITCH drills one out to left-center field.
Honorable Mention: Kansas City Royals "Our Time" (Sly James version) - I don't live in Kansas City, but I know who the mayor is, and for the most part, what the town is about. I thought this was a classy video leading up to the All-Star Game. It also is really the only moment this season the "Our Time" slogan actually made sense. That green bow tie really ties the room together.