FanPost

10 More Items You May or May Not Need from the Official Online Shop of the Kansas City Royals

Foam fingers? We don't need no stinking foam fingers? - Jamie Squire

I was unsure if I wanted to write one of these so soon after RoyalsRetro recently highlighted my similar post from last year as I thought it might look like I have a penchant for self-aggrandizement. Honestly, I just kind of forgot I used to post dumb things here. But I’m stuck working in a hotel room for a week and found myself browsing the Royals shop again out of boredom. As usual, some of the items astounded me, so I thought I’d draw some attention to them again. Links are in the headers, feel free to purchase as you see fit.

Kansas City Royals Personalized Pub Print ($49.99) Pmlb2-5282638dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

Like most American males with a taste for a finely-crafted brew, I have occasionally drifted off into a fantasy land where I am the proprietor of a sports-themed pub where I can lay down my own rules (no internet jukeboxes, no "bombs" of any kind served, etc.) And having been a lifelong Royals fan who has never lived in Kansas City, the idea of drinking my Moore-ian sorrows away in a Royals-themed pub that alienates the fans of the Twins and Indians and Cubs and any other fanbases I’ve had to put up with during my time in the various places I've lived is particularly appealing to me. Therefore, I feel like this novelty print was specifically designed with people like me in mind. The point I'm making is that I feel fully justified in saying there is no way I'd ever purchase something like this to hang anywhere, even if it didn't look like it was a graphic design student's end of first semester project with three different unrelated font types, of which the customizable one looks like Microsoft WordArt slapped onto the sign without any regard given to perspective. Nope, sorry. Some fantasies should only be indulged during a round with your buddies. To each their own though.

Kansas City Royals First Game Ticket Frame ($59.99) Pmlb2-4575787dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

This makes the list because this is not a product one buys for oneself, it's bought as a present for someone else to commemorate their first step into the perpetual misery of cheering for the Royals. Considering there's only a 42.4% chance during the Moore era that a newcomer's first night ends on the relatively higher note of a Royals victory, I can't believe this item would be a particularly high seller.

Kansas City Royals Real Tree Wood Sign ($24.99) Pmlb2-10638466dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

Real tree camo + "Gone Hunting" phrase on a sign will always endear itself to a particular brand of people. Some of these people will also happen to be Royals fans. And right smack dab in the middle of the intersection of that Venn diagram is Ned Yost. And that's as far as I can get in the logical process of putting the Kansas City Royals logo on a real tree camo "Gone Hunting" sign, unless we're referring to hunting any kind of viable pitching with Wil Myers-grade ammunition.

Kansas City Royals Wood Sign ($24.99) Pmlb2-5948550dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

"Kansas City Royals Major League Baseball" on a wood sign featuring puppies doing cute puppy things with baseball gear? Come on. This is an online marketplace, and everyone knows teh internetz luvz catz moar! Royals organization: still behind on the times.

Steiner Sports Kansas City Royals Dirt Coasters ($21.99) Pmlb2-7510792dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

I'm aware that this item lends itself well to this particular community, as we could simultaneously dismiss any argument about "not being close to the dirt" while keeping the condensation from our Capri-Suns off of mom's best basement furniture. But this is funny to me for a different reason because it reminds me of one of the few Michael Scott moments I actually enjoyed from the later seasons of The Office.

The Office - "...and buy yourself a nice spaceship" (via MichaelScottChannel)

If coasters aren't your thing, you can increase your grit in keychain form as well.

Kansas City Royals Man Cave 36" Sign ($54.99) Pmlb2-14703384dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

Full disclosure here, as this might just be specific to me: I hate the term "man cave". Not because it makes a guy-centric area for televised sports and video games that women inherently don't even want to venture into sound like a misogynistic "boys only" club, not because I realized that the term jumped the shark when I heard my dad refer to his basement as one when he put a TV in his 200 year old basement this year, and not even because it kind of makes men sound like Neanderthals (even if some of us kind of are). I hate it because I feel like "man cave" turned mainstream around the time beer commercials started trying to tell us what manly men do. I don't want Bud Light to dictate what my actions should be when I'm not drinking it. Anyway, I don't feel the need to officially assign a title to my Royals-watching area, mostly because I live in Ohio and I'm the only person around who would ever subject myself to the Royals. If you do feel the need, I can understand that. Just not at $55.

MVP Kansas City Royals 13x16 Personalized Locker Room Print ($49.99) Pmlb2-5282114dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

This one needs no commentary from me.

Steiner Sports Kansas City Royals Jeff Francoeur Autographed Baseball ($99.99 $59.99) Pmlb2-7290918dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

This one's not really funny in and of itself as I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't necessarily object to owning a Jeff Francouer autographed baseball if it were given to them. And as long as those people exist, there has to be a certain percentage of grandmas who will buy one as a gift for those poor, apathetic souls. No, it's funny because $40 has been slashed off the initial $99.99 price whereas...

Kansas City Royals Zach (sic) Greinke Wastebasket ($29.99) Pmlb2-7774856dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

...there has been no price reduction at all on this item.

Kansas City Royals Garden Gnome ($24.99) Pmlb2-12855909dt_medium

via mlb.imageg.net

And finally, the ubiquitous garden gnome. I’m aware that the garden gnome has been mentioned (and lauded) before, but the Royals’ shop added a few new models this year. I chose to highlight this one because this garden gnome is apparently unaware that it is being devoured by Slugerrrrerrerer’s Uncle Scar. And not a single @$%# was given. Use this gnome to be mindful of the mindset we’ll need to have as we begin our race to an 80 win season.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.

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