A lot has been discussed about the hiring of George Brett as the Royals hitting coach. Some are serious questions such as how much does a hitting coach actually help, will Brett be able to relate and teach players who do not have his innate ability to hit (i.e. the Ted Williams effect), and whether Brett is ready to put in the daily grind of being the hitting coach. Other less serious questions relate around Brett's hemorrhoids and whether Brett will literally crap his pants. However, one question remains: Who will be Brett's wingman after games?
(Disclaimer: I know Brett is happily married with children, and I, as an attorney that represent people in divorce and custody cases, do not suggest or advocate that Brett cheat on his wife. However, Brett's history as a womanizer when he was unmarried and an active player, makes this an interesting hypothetical question.)
As I was born in 1970, I was able to see most (except for the first few years) of George's career. I, and everyone of my friends, wanted to be the little league George Brett. As we grew older and discovered the other sex, we also learned through Brett (and a lesser degree from Top Gun), the importance of having a wingman when we were trying (mostly awkwardly) to pick up girls. Brett had Jamie Quirk, a backup catcher/first baseman/ utility infielder, to be his Goose to his Maverick when he was out clubbing and looking for his sexual conquest of the night. Assuming 60 year old George Brett needed a current player to be his wingman, who would it be? Going down the roster, there are only a few good options:
1. Eric Hosmer - "Son of God" moniker and current disappointment as savior of the franchise would not be a good choice.
2 Chris Getz - seriously? While women certainly like a baby face, I don't see "Power Batting Stance" being a good wingman.
3. Alcides Escobar - women do not usually go for players in braces.
4. Mike Moustakas - see Eric Hosmer above but might be useful in an Olive Garden or at a book club.
5. Alex Gordon - possible, but in a choosing a wingman, you want a guy that is less talented and desirable to the opposite sex than you. While Alex is not the player Brett was (or probably ever will be), he is the most famous current Royal and the women might go for the younger, current player. However, should not be completely discarded as there is good authority that Gordon has calves that are not suitable for attracting the opposite sex.
6. Lorenzo Cain - not a possibility as if he had a few drinks, he might tear his ACL tripping over a table.
7. Jeff Francour - never have a wingman with "crazy eyes."
8. Salvador Perez - possibility. However, females might find his deep voice and his "Perezcence" totally unresistable.
9. Billy Butler - from reports, not able to carry a conversation which is a necessary component a wingman must have with the least attractive of two or more ladies. Also, slim pickings of the opposite sex at Wendy's when downing Baconators.
9. James Sheilds - women may think that "Big Game" means something else in bed.
10. Ervin Santana - does not wear his cap right and Brett could not tolerate this.
11. Jeremy Guthrie - no shoe fetish for the Hall of Famer in his wingman.
12. Wade Davis - never have a wingman named "Cool Stuff." I learned this lesson dragging Douglas Avenue in Wichita in my 1979 gold Camaro Z-28 in 1987.
13. Luis Mendoza - if Loose Seal can have a "bromance" with the golden maned one, I'm assuming that the Mexican hair god would be irresistable to the opposite sex.
14. Bruce Chen - definitely a possibility as a soft throwing lefthander with a sense of humor could be an asset.
15. Luke Hochevar - definitely not going there.
16. J.C. Gutierrez - while a wingman sometimes has mop-up duty, I just don't see this.
17. Tim Collins - if you can't make the height requirement on the Timberwolf at Worlds of Fun, you can't be an adequate wingman.
18. Greg Holland - Brett would not be a fan of the facial hair and the opposite sex may be curious about this whole "closer" role thing.
19. Aaron Crow - like Holland, too many questions about what a "set-up man" does.
20. Miguel Tejeda - possibility, as Tejada like Quirk did, does not get into too many games. Disadvantage - only two years younger than George and was an MVP for the 1973 Oakland Athletics.
21. George Kottaras - a backup catcher and somewhat popular fan favorite (I hated seeing Quirk, Pete LaCock, or whomever in the Sunday lineup when I would take my two or three times a year bus trip on the KAKE bus for a Sunday home game). Additionally, Kottaras has some ideas about plate discipline and the "strike zone" that might be benefit as a wingman.
22. Elliot Johnson - like "Jamie" Quirk, "Elliot" Johnson has a sissified name and is a utility infielder. The name "Elliot" probably offsets that his last name is "Johnson" and is therefore a non-threatening wingman and my personal choice.
I apologize to David Lough and the other players on the 25 man roster that I did not name. Please help settle the question of whom Brett's hypothetical wingman should be. Kansas City Keith does not qualify as he is not an active player and the Royals, after taking on salary, cannot pay bail and attorney fees for the resulting dead hookers that might result from Kansas City Keith being Brett's wingman.