TO: Eustace Stuyvesant "Bud" Selig the 6th
FROM: The Honorable David Glass, CEO and Chairman of the Kansas City Royals Baseball Club
SUBJECT: "Playoff" Ticketing Plan
Bud, what is going on? I just got a memo from your office requesting our plans for playoff tickets. I have been involved in the ownership of the Kansas City Royals for 20 years, and I assure you, I have never gotten this kind of request before.
If this is a part of some sick and twisted plot to make the Royals look bad, I will let you know right here and right now that I will have none of it. I asked my employees what this "playoffs" is about, and they explained it as a type of scheme where the teams play until they lose, and only one team ends up "winning".
Shame on you, Bud. I have never much liked you, and this proves it. Just when we are starting to finally have a successful year you go and devise some twisted plot to make my baseball club look bad. The Royals are going to end the season on a winning note, and if you suits at major league baseball can't handle that, the problem is with you. Why would you want to force my team to end the season by losing some contrived contest you make up?
Well no more. If you don't cease and desist with your sinister plot I will close every Walmart withing 100 miles of Milwaukee. Don't think I won't do it, either. We are finally having a good season, and it won't be ruined by forcing us to end the season on a losing note.
You can have my "playoff" ticket plans when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers.