A Royals Review Investigative Report: The Healthy Hands of the Royals Offense

Despite the myriad of offense of woes that have plagued the Royals in 2014, a new report reveals that the Royals offense has much to be thankful for. This report, published by Major League Baseball, details three recently injured players, each experiencing a similar diagnosis:

  • Josh Hamilton: out 6-8 weeks with a torn ligament in his left thumb suffered when sliding into first base.
  • Mike Napoli: left game with a dislocated left ring finger suffered when sliding into second base.
  • Brett Anderson: left game with a left index finger contusion suffered when batting.
It took little time for MLB officials to detect the epidemic of finger injuries. One official stated:

"We saw it Boston. We saw it in L.A. We even saw it in the Rocky Mountain air. It was all across the league. Hitters would go from the batters box to the trainers table. They'd go from the basepath to the team doctor. But there was one outlier. A place where the hands of batters and baserunners stayed away from the DL: Kansas City."
The Royals have embraced their good health, acknowledging some of last season's accolades. "Of course our hitters' fingers are 100%. Most don't know, but last year our medical staff was named the Major League Athletic Training Staff of the Year," noted Royals General Manager Dayton Moore, "I'll never forget the tears in my eyes as we raised the golden roll of kerlix. Our staff receiving that award, in a small way, I felt like we won the World Series."
Manager Ned Yost also added, "We've been lucky, but it's been too early to tell how lucky from this season. Sure, baseball has probably kept records on this sort of thing for decades, but there's no sense in reading too much into that. It's a new season, so anything could happen. I won't say how lucky we've been until June. If I said too much, I might get in the player's domes. I'm a major league manager, do you really think I belong in a player's dome?"
Baseball officials are not so sure that the training staff is the complete answer. Says another MLB official, "Dayton said that [expletive]? I've been around this game for over six decades, and I can tell you it ain't the training staff. Napoli injured his finger, because he was diving back to second. That's the difference. You have to be on base to injure your finger diving back to the bag. Even that fruity pitcher Anderson at least hurt himself swinging the bat like a man. Who can you say that about on the Royals lineup?"
Could this be true? Are the Royals hitters avoiding finger injuries due to their sheer offensive ineptitude?
Dr. Falange, the Royals orthopedic surgeon, responded to the implications. "In my medical judgment, Baseball is discounting our expertise. Allow me to explain a crucial preventative measure that we've discovered. By implementing a new vitamin compound, we've been able to draw support to the flexors and extenders in the fingers."
Dr. Falange then described the complicated and dazzling effects of this new vitamin cocktail. When asked where team doctors found it, Dr. Falange said, "Histay is otnay on the ecordray... Miguel Tejada forgot to clean out his locker before he left."
With the words of that revelation still in the air, Ned Yost walked in and continued with his commentary, "I don't even like domes. What was the last dome I was in... Tropicana?"
Veteran slugger Billy Butler made some remarks regarding the Royals offense, but our editor deemed them unworthy to publish. Butler's words were not at fault, he made an illuminating insight about the situation, but our editor felt that readers would rather twist all of his words into jokes about his weight.
The same Baseball official revealed, "Every Royals game looks like the box score from a game in 1967. 3-2, 2-1. We've consulted with the Royals traveling secretary, and we've concluded that the Royals will get more runs from Indian food than from their hitters."

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.

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