Dead Cat Diaries: A Season For Change

Between alternate universes, timeliness of information transfer is often at risk. It took some time to gain feedback from our friends in the Dead Cat Universe, one whereby every single event that occurs in our universe is constant, except for the first inning performance of two dead alleycats. Spot and Fluffy start each game (batting first and second in the order) for the Kansas City Royals in lieu of Moustakas and Escobar in each starting lineup. After these kitties reach base via walk or HBP in the first, they are replaced on the basepaths by living ballplayers. Ned Yost has been surgically attached to Joel Goldberg and replaced in the dugout with Billy the goat. We're making an assumption that the goat's decisions are largely indiscernible from Yost's.

At least one person who should know a little something about the nature of goats suggested that feeding the goat would be a ridiculous expense. Also, it's become obvious that Yost would not be relieved from his duties by the administration currently running the Royals in the known universe. I've attempted to reconcile this challenge by reassignment of Yost-he coexists with Goldberg after a bad surgery and they roam the bleachers with a shotgun and microphone simultaneously firing at and interviewing fans wearing those dumbass moose racks. The goat in this other universe has been given deed to Yost's home, and is free to eat of it as he or she wishes.

News from the Dead Cat Universe is often received in reverse chronological order. Game outcomes that change the winning side are bold font. Parenthetical positive numbers represent additional runs scored by the Deadcats, while negative numbers are any excess runs ceded by playing dead cats at premium defensive positions for home first innings.


Wednesday, April 30: Royals 6, Blue Jays 2. Aoki appears to be much more productive in an alternate universe, but at least one author believes maybe a dead cat should start in right field once in a while. Don't even care that the dead cat's name might be Maxwell. Aoki's first inning leadoff double here scores an additional two runs. (+2)

Tuesday, April 29: @Royals 10, Blue Jays 7. I'll go ahead and assume Moustakas, pinch running for Fluffy, will get picked off base on a routine line drive in the first...because he performs stunts like this in the universe I already know too damn well. If Moose and Escobar can avoid getting picked here, two additional runs could be tallied on Hosmer's home run. Someone would do something stupid here, however, because...Royals.

Sunday, April 27: Royals 11, Orioles 3. Two additional unearned runs are plated in the first, and the Royals pile up runs early and often. (+2)

Saturday, April 26: Orioles 3, Royals 2. Danny Duffy's eleventh inning meltdown cannot be prevented by any combination of dead cats.

Friday, April 25: Royals 6, @Orioles 0. Spot helps to score an extra run for KC despite what turns out to be an Aoki double play. (+1)

Thursday, April 24: Indians 5, Royals 1. No relief from the remainder of the top of the order. Aoki grounds into a triple play in the first after Billy the Goat forgets to pinch run for the dead cats.

Wednesday, April 23: Indians 5, Royals 3. Players less productive than dead cats fail to get the ball out of the infield in the first.

Tuesday, April 22: Royals 10, Indians 2. Dead cats pour it on in the first, turning a walk, a fly and a single into two additional runs. (+2)

Monday, April 21: Royals 5, @Indians 4. Moose and Escobar score on Infante's first inning triple, adding two runs to the Royal tally. (+2)

Sunday, April 20: Twins 8, Royals 5. Not much happens in a first inning of sharply hit balls and strikeouts. No additional runs score as the Twins are unable to hit the ball at dead infielders.

Saturday, April 19: Royals 6, Twins 4. No change in outcome, though Spot's leadoff walk scores an Escobar run on an Aoki single. The Twins are mesmerized again by flawless defense in the first against the dead cat infield. No chances. (+1)

Friday, April 18: @Royals 5, Twins 0. Vargas survives an even shakier first inning than in our own universe, but still doesn't get a lot of help from the infielders who happen to be alive. A bunch of strikeouts and flyouts don't help move the Royals leadoff baserunners.

Thursday, April 17: Royals 7, Astros 1. Aoki's double plates two additional runs in the first. (+2)

Wednesday, April 16: Royals 8, Astros 4. A pair of first inning singles that amounted to nothing in our universe provide two here. (+2)

Tuesday, April 15: Royals 5, @Astros 2. Infante's first inning homer scores a run after an Ioki double play. (+1)

Sunday, April 13: Twins 5, Royals 4 (10 in.). The Royals get it to extra innings in this universe, but have a billygoat managing the bullpen. This aspect of managerial strategy isn't much better than Ned. (+1, -1)

Saturday, April 12: Twins 7, Royals 1. No change in the outcome here despite dead cats remaining in the game on base and in the field until the third inning.

Friday, April 11: @Twins 10, Royals 3. The Twins survive the early dead-cat onslaught of the first inning to win in dominant fashion. "We've studied enough film. We're not afraid of those pussies," murmured an off-the-record Gardenhire to a beat writer working for the Star-Tribune after the game. (+2)

Wednesday, April 9: @Royals 7, Rays 4. The cats giveth...a normally routine grounder ricochets off Fluffy at shortstop leading to an additional run for the Rays. Groundouts and strikeouts provide no offensive relief to the club. (-1)

Tuesday, April 8: Royals 2, Rays 1. Dead cats provide the spark Yordano Ventura needs in his debut performance. There is a scary moment in the first when Spot is unable to field a rather routine ball to momentarily clog the bases with Rays. Fluffy and Spot's pinch runners provide the punch the Royals need to close the deal on the Tampans. (+2)

Monday, April 7: @Royals 6, Rays 2. A reinvigorated Vargas just strikes guys out in the first in response to a half-dead infield playing behind him in the first. Two additional runs are plated on Aoki's triple. (+2)

Sunday, April 6: White Sox 6, Royals 1. Cats can't help slow down Chris Sale, and the ball kicks them around just enough in the first for the Sox to score some insurance. (-1)

Saturday, April 5: Royals 5, White Sox 4. A little bad defense from the left side of the infield plates an additional Sox run in the first, but Bruce Chen just starts striking out Sox in response. An extra run is scored by KC in their half of the first providing no difference to the game outcome. (+1, -1)

Friday, April 4: @Royals 9, White Sox 5. Robin Ventura pointlessly charges third base in the visitor's half of the inning and is tossed from the game in a losing effort. The Royals turned a HBP and three hits into more than three runs with a little help from decaying organic matter. An off-the-record Ventura tried to punch a beat writer from the Tribune when asked about the scratches on his face after the game, but missed badly, catching himself on the right temple out cold. (+2)

Wednesday, April 2: Royals 3, Tigers 2. Cats make all the difference in a two-run first inning buoyed by an Aoki walk, Infante single and Hosmer sacrifice fly. (+2)

Monday, March 31: Royals 5, @Tigers 4. Tigers are rattled by playing against dead cats, and it shows in a first inning feline massacre of the Tigers. A demoralized Verlander recovers with a strong outing, but the damage was already done. (+2)

The standings on April 30, dead-cat universe:**


Kansas City: 18 8 .692* - 133 100

Detroit 12 11 .521 4.5 104 99

Minnesota 12 12 .500 5 132 132

Chicago 14 15 .483 5.5 156 153

Cleveland 10 18 .357 9 106 136

April 30, our universe:

Detroit 14 9 .609 - 104 95

Kansas City 14 12 .538 1.5 105 96

Minnesota 12 12 .500 2.5 131 128

Chicago 14 15 .483 3 154 150

Cleveland 11 17 .393 5.5 106 132

*The Kansas City Deadcats have the best record in the American League at this point, a game ahead of Oakland (18-10)

**The author is aware that this table is poorly constructed, but has lost patience with any number of things including (but certainly not limited to) the formatting of this information.

Things are a little different around One Royal Way in another universe. Talk in our land of "just two good weeks" has been supplanted in another with "just two dead alleycats." Will the league adjust? It's hard to say at any point in time, but these early results are quite encouraging. These dead kitties have caught the attention of Gardenhire and Ventura, but their adjustments have proved inadequate to this point. The Tigers' Brad Ausmus and the Indians' Terry Francona have been vexed by the skilled management of Billy the goat.

And on a somewhat parallel plane, in a Walmart near you, indigo dyed officially licensed Major League roadkill is flying off the shelves.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.

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