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Rafael Betancourt Destroyed Our National Innocence

In honor of Betancourt's unsurprising post-season brillance, a repost... Our National Innocence is shaken.-RR


Rafael Betancourt is the Cleveland Indians' best relief pitcher. Rafael Betancourt is a steroid user, piercing the maidenhead of our national innocence.

How many children have to die before Major League Baseball does something? How many innocent, angelic, high school baseball players have to be encouraged into taking substances demonstrably more dangerous than alcohol and tobacco before this moral abomination is stopped? How many bucolic, heavenly evenings at the quaint olde ball parke have to be destroyed by the mere presence of this despicable master of lies? We simmer here in the flames of sin while Congress sits idly by and does nothing. NOTHING.

A nation devastated by Betancourt's two-faced deception. Do we need to check his head-size records?

Indians reliever Rafael Betancourt destroyed our national innocence, and because his steroid-fuelled performance has powered the Indians to an AL Central title, Royals Review proposes the following:

  1. A Modest Proposal to Defend Our National Innocence
  2. During the American League Playoffs, fans should turn their backs to the field when Betancourt takes the mound.
  3. Fans should bring placards with asterisks to the game and gleefully wave them in front of the camera. Placards saying "cheater" are also appropriate.
  4. Through media pressure, we should demand that the Indians season record be marked with an asterisk and that Betancourt be photoshopped out of the team photo.
  5. By internet vote, the fans shall decide whether all memorabilia from the 2007 AL Central Champions should be branded with an asterisk, or launched into space. Since the passing of Ives St. Laurant this summer, Royals Review is currently negotiating with Lady Enyce and Bill Blass on the handling and promotion of this matter.
  6. Any sealed testimony regarding Betancourt's moral depravity should be considered part of the public record, in the national interest.

Only by grandly and theatrically attacking others, can we honor the glory of ourselves!

Deception by the Lake:

  • According to the data at, Betancourt has been clearly the most valuable member of the Tribe bullpen, leading the team in WPA and BRAA by wide margins.
  • According to Baseball Prospectus's WXRL stat, which factors in leverage and performance, Betancourt has been the second best relief pitcher in baseball, adding about six expected wins to the Tribe's total. Do you know where the Tribe would be with six fewer wins? OK, they'd still be in first, but only by a game.
Betancourt's deception and Cleveland's blind willingness to follow his demonic aura have already ruined the otherwise pristine glory of professional sports in this country.

Thankfully, our beacons of liberty and accountability, the national press, have refused to let the issue of Betancourt's perfidy slip into oblivion.  

While the despicable Mr. Betancourt continues to assert his innocence, as proud Americans we know better. Allegations and rumors mean guilt, and Betancourt needs to understand that before he sullies our sacrosanct sense of self any further.

By the way, you know what those oh-so-subtle steroids ads suggest PDAs do to your male anatomy? Well, check out whats happened to the fair city of Cleveland in recent years:

The Cleveland Plain-Dealer: "Our Shrinking City"

A fitting result of Betancourt's Curse.