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Using the Absurd But Still Really Fun and Also Kinda Believable Aaron Crow and Ke$ha Rumor and Also Broxton's Hunting Trip To Understand the Royals Bullpen

By Freneau

We know nothing. That's where we've got to start. Seriously, we have know idea. Dayton Moore is inscrutable. Signing then not trading then extending Frenchy was some kind of weird double-reverse trolling of us. That was the end of certitude. Every Royals blogger alive speculated about who the Royals would sign or trade for this fall and so far all of us are 0 for 2. No one saw the Sanchize become a Royal. We cannot understand this man. Sign Broxton to make Crow a starter even though Crow pretty clearly won't be good and oh yea Broxton most likely isn't good and we're doing this in November. I get it.

Well, except I don't.

All we know is that the timing will be rushed and Bruce Chen is a Royal for life. Outside that, we're starting from, or rather we should start from, pure Cartesian doubt. Maybe some evil demon has created this elaborate trick of existence just to toy with us.

Here's what we know:

  • Aaron Crow was once said to be dating Ke$ha. A few posts on a Mizzou message board and a thing of wikipedia for a few hours is our evidence. It's not much, but we started the Spanish-American War on less evidence. For now, it's solidly believable. They are one, they are in love. Ke$ha-¢row.
  • Jonathan Broxton went hunting with Francoeur and Ned Yost. Did anyone else see Yost as a hunter? Anyway, we're recreating our mental universe here. They hunted, they talked, they probably spit often and felt cold and then killed things. Ned Yost leads men.
  • Joakim Soria is from Mexico.
  • ...
  • (Thinking)
  • The state of fashion/personal appearance/grooming for Major League players has never been lower.
  • Necklaces are quite popular with baseball players. 90% of all US necklace purchases, for males, are by MLBPA members.
  • Gil Meche retired.
  • If we don't tell Broxton Denny Matthews and Vin Scully aren't the same, he'll never know.
  • Jeremy Jeffress was once a Brewer.
  • Nate Adcock hung around all year.
  • According to B-R Chen is from " Born: June 19, 1977 in Panama, Panama, Panama" (Seriously, check his page)
  • Mitch Maier threw a scoreless inning.
    • So Mitch pitched. Let's see if he can be a swingman. Plan B is make Mitch the SS, convert Cain to a starter, and move Escobar to CF. Then we trade for another PTBNL for Ramon Ramirez, send him back to Colorado, get Jason Giambi to DH and make Butler co-hitting coach with Seitzer and Gload once Gload retires. Somewhere in there, we sue the Angels and force them to make Callaspo a 2B, just because we can.

    OK Good, we're building something. The bullpen is coming together. I can see a design. What we know that we know is a dating rumor and a hunting trip. Ke$ha tells me ¢row is ready for prime time, or also that Soria may be traded. The Royals are paying Broxton $4 million for no real reason, but saving $25,000 on canning Fanfest is really sound. Broxton is ready to turn his career around and also hunt.

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