KANSAS CITY - In a stunning announcement that is being heralded as a landmark occasion in the history of the social science, a team of anthropologists have identified the five most annoying jerks on the planet.
Five fans of the Minnesota Twins, a team with a 21-37 record this season and roughly a 2-100 postseason record this decade, decided to bring brooms to Kauffman Stadium on Sunday afternoon.
"The broom move is pretty questionable to begin with," said Dr. Samuel Wordsworth of Oxford, "but when your own team sucks and the team being swept also sucks... what's the point?"
Wordsworth's colleagues agreed.
"As soon as I saw these guys, I made a small bet with Samuel that at least two of them would have a variation of the Calvin peeing on blank window sticker, and sure enough, I was right," Professor Janet Olson of Tufts told reporters.
"The broom thing was clever and funny," said Olson, "in the 1920s. When things like marbles were considered amazing entertainment."
"We surveyed these individuals after the game and found that they also are fond of buying hours worth of the Charlie Daniels Band at any jukebox they see, yelling 'you da man' on the golf course, talking on their cellphones on trains, bringing huge amounts of food onto flights, where they also cram their overstuffed carryon bags above someone else's seat."