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...and Awful Ball Was Played By All

April 9, 2012; Oakland, CA, USA; Why? Mandatory Credit: Jason O. Watson-US PRESSWIRE
April 9, 2012; Oakland, CA, USA; Why? Mandatory Credit: Jason O. Watson-US PRESSWIRE

Caring fathers across the Heartland put their sons to bed early this eve, having recognized early that their collective trepidation was in fact not without justification. The horror show that played out on the screens in their living rooms would have had far-reaching effects on their progeny, damning their sons and daughters to lives scarred by having actually seen a Major League line-up that included Jason Bourgeois, Yuniesky Betancourt, and Chris Getz while Alex Gordon and Mike Moustakas looked on from the bench.

Other fathers--abusive fathers--sent their children to bed but were sure to record the atrocity that played out in The Oakland - Alameda County Coliseum with the nefarious intention of later abusing their children with lengthy sessions spent watching this game on a loop.

Even the people of Oakland smelled something amiss in the air, never letting the attendance crack into four digits, the prospect of a match-up of Luis Mendoza and Tom Milone promising nothing less than horrendous baseball.

One run was scored in this ball-game, though the unflinching Mitch Maier and the messianic figure who followed him in the ninth tried mightily to wrest this game from grips of the equally offensively challenged squad from Oakland. No one ever knew where that run came from, it having materialized on the scoreboard thanks in large part to the dark arts.

The psychic maiming of those hardened, blackened souls who elected to ride the storm out will be long-felt. The maimer? A line-up that should never have been.