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Highlanders Fall to Lowly Royals, Existential Crises Ensue

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A mighty Greek dong was hung (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)
A mighty Greek dong was hung (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)
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Behind stalwart efforts from the combination of Felipe Paulino, Tim Collins, and Aaron Crow, the Royals held the scuffling Highlanders down and pummeled them thoroughly. The trio of Royals combined to strike out more of the New York nine than they allowed on base, getting 11 to whiff at their filthy offerings while allowing just ten base runners, three by way of the free pass, seven by way of the hit (three doubles and four singles). Paulino was particularly impressive, striking out eight Yanks en route to blanking them for 6 2/3 innings before making way for the tiny bearded New Englander, Collins. Paulino did walk two and yielded six hits, but aside from the bottom of the third in which he escaped from a bases-loaded, no-out jam, he cruised as much as one can cruise against the Yankees. Collins recorded the next four outs, mixing two Ks in while allowing a walk in the eighth and a leadoff double to Teixeira before giving way to Aaron Crow, who finished things off for the Royals.

The pitching was helped in part by the defense, with Jarrod Dyson and Alex Gordon each making highlight reel catches and Mike Moustakas flashing the leather in what seemed to be every inning. Speaking of Moustakas, the Grecian God elected to put his squad up in the first, hanging mighty, towering dong down the right field line in the first. Not to be outdone, his Frenchman right fielder also decided that he was going to hang dong, this time right over the fence in left-center field. Each of the clarion calls to resistance against the oligarchical reign of the moneyed elite occurred while Billy Butler was on base, and the Royals added two runs elsewhere, summarily thwarting the evil Yankees to the tune of a six-nil victory.