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This Just In: Jonathan Sanchez May Not Be Good At Throwing Baseballs

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Dude, I'm pitchin' awesome. Mandatory Credit: Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE
Dude, I'm pitchin' awesome. Mandatory Credit: Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE

When The Sanchize was brought into town, it was assumed that he'd win the first of ten straight AL Cy Young Awards in a Royals uniform. After tonight, people are whispering that it might not happen. Some people are even saying that maybe, just maybe you're supposed to record more outs than runs allowed when you pitch. Stupid sabermetrics with their nerds and numbers.

I'm befuddled. You're befuddled. Even your mother is befuddled.

Everything was going so smoothly with Sanchez. He was mowing guys down. He wasn't walking anybody. Sure he went to the DL, but he came back and all was golden.

Wait, what? Oh, that was Felipe Paulino that was pitching well? I'd blocked out the earlier Sanchez starts this season?

Wait, his WHIP is what? I didn't even know you could still be in the Majors with a WHIP over 2.00.

His ERA is 7.76? And you are telling me that he is pitching? In the Major Leagues? For Kansas City?

Nah, you're messing with me. He threw a no-hitter once! That means he's awesome. If I'd seen those starts, there's no way I wouldn't remember them.

Wait, I went to summer camp with the Branch Davidians? And committed heinous war crimes in the jungles of Africa in the name of a deposed warlord? I don't remember that stuff either.

I'm putting on What's Going On? and pouring myself a glass of chianti because this has to be an hallucination.