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A recap of Friday's bizarre happenings

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Royals Fall Victim to Major League Baseball Conspiracy

The head of the evil conspiracy reacts to news of the Royals hot start
The head of the evil conspiracy reacts to news of the Royals hot start
Dave Martin

A nefarious conspiracy is clearly underway against the Royals. After a record-setting hot start to spring training, Major League Baseball corporate offices began taking unprecedented action to stymie the Royals success.

It begin on Friday morning when the Royals were notified that their team was being split up for Friday's games. "It's unheard of," said an unnamed Royals official. "You can't just split a team in half to take on two other major league teams."

The official reason given to the Royals for this unprecedented action was that another team called in sick and the Royals needed to cover the hole. However, sources within Major League offices indicated a growing concern that the Royals were getting "uppity" after their 11-1-1 start and needed to be taken down a notch or two.

The first game of the day was played against Cleveland. It began as games usually do for the Royals these days, with the team jumping out to a 3 - 2 lead in the top of the 3rd inning. That's when things began to get strange. Rain started to fall, and a group of men wearing black suits and sunglasses descended on field, briefly talked to the umpires, and then the game was called. "I don't understand it," a team source said. "It wasn't raining that hard, and we were headed toward the win. Plus, they told me the game wouldn't count in the standings, and it would not be made up or resumed. It was as if they were determined not to let us win the game."

The odd events continued when the other half of the team played against Colorado. This time, uncharacteristically, the Royals fell behind 3 - 1 after four innings. A light mist began to fall. Again, men in black suits and sunglasses appeared out of nowhere and conferred with the umpires. The game was immediately called off. However, this time the game was ruled to count in the standings and Colorado was awarded the win.

"It's not right," the source said. "If they don't want us to win then why bother even playing? We're not going to sit by quietly while they do this to us."

"Look, the Royals need to know their place," explained the source from Major League baseball. "Do you think after 27 years that we will let them have a place among the winners so easily? If we have to break them up into three teams we will do that."

It is unclear at this point if the Royals will be forcibly broken up for any more games. However, other recent events indicated the conspiracy runs deep. On Thursday, major league doctors showed up at Royals training camp saying they needed to examine Wade Davis's arm to get a "biological footprint." On Friday he was scratched from his next start due to shoulder soreness.

Additionally, the Royals were informed that they needed to have one of their second baseman play in the outfield. "Do you think that was my idea?" continued the unnamed club source. "I get a call from some suit at MLB headquarters that said that since 2nd basemen are the most overlooked players on the team, we had to also let them play in the outfield to get more exposure. And don't even get me started on them forcing me to start Jeff Francoeur at DH."

Other actions taken by Major League Baseball recently against the Royals include forcing them to resign Luke Hochevar because otherwise it "might hurt his feelings", trading away one of the best prospects in all of baseball for two years of a #2 starter, and instituting a "Bunt Quota" for each game.

It is unclear what additional steps will be taken to keep the Royals from winning, but Jason Kendall has been recently spotted outside Royals headquarters.

No matter what steps are taken to undermine the Royals, they remain defiant. "I don't care what they think they can do," vowed the angry team official. "We are going to win this year. We are determined to do it, and besides, we have too much grit not to."