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Chris Getz: More Than Meets the Eye; Also Braves Beat Royals

Chris Getz broke character for just one important moment in an attempt to elevate much more than just himself.

Kudos to the Dong Hanger
Kudos to the Dong Hanger
Daniel Shirey

We could concern ourselves with the trivialities of who won or who lost a baseball game in Atlanta, but sometimes wins and losses are not important. Tonight is one of those times.

There is something special about Chris Getz. His coaches like to say that he plays "mistake free" baseball. Up until today, Chris Getz being "mistake free" was derided by the more cynical fans amongst us as being some laughable manager speak that ultimately nothing. I think it's safe to say that the utilization of the phrase "mistake free" carries a much more loaded meaning than any of us could ever have imagined.

Chris Getz is superhuman.

Yes, superhuman.

Unfortunately, if Getz shows his true skills and performs his magnificent feats often enough to raise eyebrows, external forces would surely make his life a living hell. All of the world's governments would descend upon him like succubi whilst he slept, screwing away his life force for the sake of their twisted causes and dubious wars. With powers like his, it's hard to fault Chris Getz for exercising such restraint.

Sure, every once in a while he will slip up. There is no better example of this than the last time he hung dong. On July 19, 2009, Chris Getz destroyed a Jeremy Guthrie pitch for the last ball he sent out of the park.

On that same day on the other side of the earth--Murrumbateman, Australia, to be exact--an amateur astronomer named Anthony Wesley stumbled across quite the finding. What he first thought to be a storm on Jupiter turned out to be a point of impact. At this point, let's turn to an article by Dr. Tony Phillips at

"The object, whatever it was, exploded in Jupiter's upper atmosphere," says Orton. "It blew itself to smithereens. What we're seeing now are bits and pieces of the impactor and possibly some strange aerosols formed by shock-chemistry during the impact."


"We believe it was a comet or asteroid measuring perhaps a few hundred meters wide," says Don Yeomans of NASA's Near-Earth Object Office at JPL. "If something of similar size hit Earth—we're talking about 2000 megatons of energy--there would be serious regional devastation or a tsunami if it hit the ocean."


Indeed, there was no warning. The object emerged from darkness, unknown and uncatalogued, and—wham!—before anyone could photograph the body intact, it had become a cloud of debris. (There is a lesson here for Earth, but that is another story.)

They may believe that it was a comet or asteroid, but today, I think we all know better than that. If the power Chris Getz can generate with one swing of the bat can lead to devastation on another planet, then it is no wonder that Getz doesn't flash his true-talent level often.

Today, though, Chris Getz knew America needed a pick me up. Affected by the tragic attack in Boston, Chris Getz decided to bring just a little more joy into the world and with one flick of his mighty, "mistake-free" wrist, he sent a Kris Medlen fastball into the right field bleachers. Having learned his lesson after upsetting the largest planet in the solar system with his last dong hanging, Getz kept it simple, and America smiled, if for just one moment.

Royals pitchers gave up five solo shots, two to Juan Francisco and one apiece to Jason Heyward, Justin Upton, and Dan Uggla (those last three came off Kelvin Herrera), and the Royals only managed three runs--three fewer than Atlanta--but Chris Getz helped heal America.