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Chen and Paxton to Face Off in Latest Skirmish for Grass Creek

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Will all that is good in the world (the Sino-Panamanian Sensation) win out against the scion of a great polygamist? So much in the Battle for Grass Creek rides on the outcome of this match-up.

You're outta this world.
You're outta this world.
Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports

Even though the season is all but over and last night's game went into the wee hours of the morning, the Royals will still take the field to face the Mariners this evening in a battle that will surely be chronicled in the annals of history when the Battle for Grass Creek is over, once and for all but sometime seemingly off in the distant future. With the Royals having a real opportunity to gain traction and steal away supporters of the now lowly Mariners, Kansas City will pin its hopes on the left arm of the Sino-Panamanian Sensation, Bruce Chen, who was reportedly watching Six-Pack in the locker room earlier this afternoon, mere minutes before being spotted by the grounds crew at Safeco Field running up and down the stairs of the stadium and having what looked to be a rag-tag band of orphans (who are as handy with an impact wrench as they are with sassback) holding his ankles as he struggled through a relentless regimen of ab-work that would make Hugh Jackman blush. As has often been whispered within the quiet halls of the nether regions of Kauffman Stadium, Bruce Chen does not pussyfoot around.

His opponent will be James Paxton, presumably one of Bill Paxton's children from one of his wives, likely Jeanne Tripplehorn, as I think we'd all agree that neither Chloë Sevigny nor Ginnifer Goodwin are likely to have popped out a Major League pitcher even if they had been taken at fairly young ages to be sister wives as Sevigny would have been 13 at the time of his conception and Goodwin would have been nine. Paxton, if you will remember was rumored to be an off-season trade target for the Royals this past offseason, when the Royals had scouts monitoring everything from his velocity and delivery to his bowel movements in the Arizona Fall League last autumn. With so much riding on this game, it's probably a good thing that Paxton is not embedded with the Royals, as his loyalties would have to be called into question on eve of this momentous game.