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Royals clobber Racists, hanging dong thrice and winning 9 - 5

Corey Kluber proves no match for the Royals, who broke all the rules.

Watching that dong hanging
Watching that dong hanging
Ed Zurga

For just one night, Royals fans got a glimpse of what life would be like if everything had gone according to plan.

Alex Gordon went a-dong-hangin'. Eric Hosmer? He hung dong, too. Mike Moustakas? Hung clanky dong right off the foul pole.

You read that correctly. The Royals hanged dong three times in one game.

Now once you move past the obvious initial concerns about whether the Royals are actually allowed to hang dong that many times in one game and what the long-term ramifications are if they break that rule, the only possible reaction to that information is delayed shock. I'm not even writing this. The mouse in my pocket took over the keyboard after catatonia took hold.

What's even more shocking is that the Royals took it to Corey Kluber, who had amassed 2.7 fWAR on the season heading into today. Sure, only three of the six runs they scored on Kluber were earned thanks to Asdrubal Cabrera not watching a flip from Jason Kipnis into the glove that would have led to the Racists only letting one Royal run cross the plate in their four-run third inning.

Jason Vargas cruised through the first seven innings, but Ned Yost decided he was going to Yost the Racists right back into the ballgame. At 103 pitches through seven, Yost brought Vargas back out to face David Murphy and then the top of the order for the fourth time. After retiring Michael Bourn at pitch 110, Asdrubal Cabrera ripped pitch 113 to center for a single. For his 115th pitch, Vargas pegged--no, not that kind, get your mind out of the gutter--Michael Brantley, the third time Vargas had hit a Racist.

Maybe a normal person lets the single go. A hit batsman, regardless of whether or not he wears a Racist uniform? A normal manager would walk out to the mound and grab Vargas's ass after motioning to the pen. Not Ned "One Batter Too Late" Yost. A 6 - 0 lead became a 6 - 2 lead. Tim Collins came in to face switch-hitting Carlos Santana, who singled on the one pitch that Collins would end up throwing on the night, driving in the Racists' third run. Then Aaron Crow came in to record the final out of the top of the eighth.

With a scant two pitches thrown in the eighth, Crow came back out to start the ninth, whereupon he quickly set out to try to turn it back into a save situation in spite of the three runs that the Royals plated in the bottom of the eighth. Before recording even a single out in the final frame, Crow had allowed a run, and David Murphy and Ryan Raburn stood on second and third base. Of course, the Murphy "double" was only a double because Lorenzo Cain lost a low liner in the lights in right field, but Crow gave the Racists hope, and giving Racism hope is always a bad thing. Crow eventually got out of the inning allowing just one more run, but not before giving LaFlamme more fuel for the fire.

Whatever Yost and Crow may or may not have done in the last two innings, the Royals took care of business and climbed back to .500. It's counter-intuitive, but apparently hanging dong wins baseball games.

Most importantly, though, Racism was thwarted for one sweet night.