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Royals defeat evil Cardinals 8 - 7

Despite a terrible start from James Shields, the Royals' offense channels Frampton and, well, you know.

And boom goes the dynamite.
And boom goes the dynamite.
Dilip Vishwanat

Despite another rough start from James Shields, the Royals offense came to life--an arousal purported to have been spurred on by a team-wide Cialis pact while holding hands in the ice bath--and bailed Shields out for his fourth straight middling (or worse) start.

The Royals' offense exploded all over Jaime Garcia in the fifth, spraying runs all over the place, scoring runs at will and with reckless abandon. The key to the Royals' six-run fifth--a total previously thought by scientists the world over to be impossible to reach for the Royals in a game, let alone an inning--was this majestic dong-hanging off the wood of Alex Gordon. It can be seen here (when it's embeddable, I'll embed it). It's, umm, arousing. The majesty of his dong cannot be properly valued in words alone. What it also did was plate the fourth, fifth, and sixth Royal runs.

Of course in the home, Shields turned right around and allowed two unearned runs in the bottom half of the fifth before deciding to right all the wrongs that have been done unto Greek baseball players this season and left an 84-MPH change up and in the middle of the plate, which Peter Bourjos launched into deep left field in the home half of the sixth.

Shields let two more runners reach before finally getting the hook, but the damage appeared to have been done.

Then the Royals pieced together a little game-tying rally thanks in large part to an--not even remotely kidding here--infield single off the bat of Billy Butler that moved Salvador Perez into scoring position. Ned Yost then had a stroke and pinch-ran Jeremy Guthrie for Butler in a move that ultimately meant little (other than seeing the Stormin' Mormon go first-to-third). Alcides Escobar blooped a single into shallow right-center field plating Perez and knotting the game up at seven.

Wade Davis was Wade Davis and cruised through the eighth.

Luckily for the Royals, Trevor Rosenthal wasn't Trevor Rosenthal of 2013. After the terrible Norichika Aoki (we can all agree on that at this point, right?) grounded out to second to start off the inning, Omar Infante crushed a double to deep right. Hosmer promptly singled to left, driving in Infante, who beat out Holliday's throw to the plate. With Hosmer advancing to second on the throw home, the Cardinals eventually decided to intentionally walk Alex Gordon because, well, they already saw him hang dong each of the last two nights. Then Salvador Perez--who at this point should probably be tagged with the nickname la Tour d'Eiffel--was doubled up, ending the rally.

Thankfully for Royals fans the world over, the Royals have Greg Holland and the rest was history.

Over his past 25.1 IP (including tonight's start), Shields has yielded 20 runs--18 of them earned--while striking out just 14 and walking seven. He's also let seven men hang dong on him in those four starts. Today it was Kolten Wong and Peter Bourjos, neither of whom have any business hitting home runs. It was just Bourjos's 26th hung dong in 1261 career plate appearances. It was Wong's first Major League dong hanging. Maybe you should stop grooving that change there, Long Ball James.

It's like he's trying to become Jeremy Guthrie.

On the night, Shields struck out just one shitbird redbird while walking four to go along with the nine hits allowed. His defense didn't do him any favors, as both Moustakas and Hosmer bumbled around on two routine grounders that saw runners reach.

Hosmer's came in the first and extended Shields pitch count by six needless pitches before inducing an inning-ending double play coming off the bat of an especially pouty Yadier Molina with the bases juiced. Molina spiked his helmet in anger and proceeded to spin in circles whilst laying on the ground, crying "I don't want to" to no one and nothing in particular.

Moustakas's error was far more costly as the fifth and sixth Cardinal runs would not have come across if he fielded the easy grounder cleanly. Of course, the Peralta double that scored that sixth run also went right past a diving Moustakas, so it wasn't exactly a banner inning for the Storm Chasers' Royals' third baseman.

The Royals head back to Kansas City to host the home half of a four-game split-location series with the loathsome cross-state "rivals"--the quotes being used here to imply that none of them actually care what happens when they play the Royals, but c'est la vie.

Hopefully David Glass will get to see his favorite team beat the team he owns from the owner's box. If it's embarrassing enough, maybe he'll realize that the front office in place is a joke and finally do something about it.

Oh, nevermind.

Keep up the good work, Dayton.