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I know we've already had a terrific satire piece today, and we had a terrific "Royals as...." piece yesterday, but....Simpsons!
FXX purchased the rights to "The Simpsons" last year for $750 million, and this week we the consumer finally get to enjoy the fruits of that purchase as FXX begins a two-week Simpsons marathon. If you don't care for the long (too long?) running animated series, or have never witnessed an episode, you may want to just go back to reading about Salvador Perez. But nearly everyone under the age of 40 has at least seen an episode or overheard a reference uttered between two nerds chuckling over the word "cromulent."
As a huge Simpsons fan, I present to you the 2014 Kansas City Royals as Simpsons characters.
Salvador Perez - Dr. Julius Hibbert
In the face of any kind of adversity, Salvador Perez just continues to smile and provide uplifting words. Like Salvy, Dr. Hibbert can summon up an amused chuckle in the face of even the worst news.
"It turns out my knee is torn up due to overuse, and I won't be able to play the remaining four years of my contract! Eh-hee-hee-hee-hee."
Eric Hosmer - Bart Simpson
He's an underachiever and proud of it. Like Hosmer, Bart suffered an injury and had to watch as everyone around him had fun.
Omar Infante - Marge Simpson
Omar, like Marge, is dependable, always there to clean up the mess. But you really don't like when either gets prominent screen time.
Alcides Escobar - Lisa Simpson
ALCIDES NEEDS BRACES
DENTAL PLAN
ALCIDES NEEDS BRACES
DENTAL PLAN
ALCIDES NEEDS BRACES
DENTAL PLAN
Mike Moustakas - Disco Stu
Like Disco Stu, Moose thinks he is a bit better and cooler than he really is. Time may have passed both of these guys by.
Alex Gordon - Jebediah Springfield
Our inspiration. Like Springfield, Gordon has a disappointing past, but let us forget that and instead embrace his nobler spirit that embiggens us all.
Lorenzo Cain - Martin Prince
Cain is a defensive nerd. Both Cain and Prince are very talented, but a bit under-appreciated by those around them.
Nori Aoki - Hans Moleman
Jarrod Dyson - Sideshow Bob
A very talented understudy who probably should be the star, but has to serve under an inferior host. Don't be surprised of Dyson goes on a murderous rage.
Josh Willingham - Troy McClure
At one time Willingham was a pretty big deal, winning a Silver Slugger Award, but now he's kinda slumming it, taking on a part-time role with the Kansas City Royals. You may remember him from such roles as "the 2006 Florida Marlins", "the 2011 Oakland Athletics", and "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die."
Billy Butler - Homer Simpson
Because he is so fat you see.
Billy and Homer each have their failings, upsetting those around them. But somehow things seem to work out for them in the end. Billy gets to bat clean up by default! "Default! The two sweetest words in the English language!"
Raul Ibanez - Grandpa Simpson
We can't hit home runs like we used to, but we have our ways of staying on a roster to provide clubbhouse leadership. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Erik Kratz - Nelson Muntz
He's big for his age, but all he does is hit home runs and point and laugh at opposing pitchers. Ha-HAW!
Christian Colon - Milhouse Van Houten
Once a down-on-his luck busted prospect, lately it seems everything is coming up Milhouse for Christian Colon.
James Shields - Superintendent Chalmers
Both are the assertive leader of their team, at times baffled by the incompetence around them. Shields no doubt enjoys a good steamed ham now and then.
Yordano Ventura - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Both are hard-working immigrants who came to this country and found success. Both do one thing and do it very well - Ventura throws the ball very, very hard, and Apu makes a killer squishee. Any time Ventura strikes someone out, you can say "thank you, come again!"
Danny Duffy - Duff Man
Duh. Both have that same intensity. OH YEA!
Jason Vargas - Carl Carlson
Jeremy Guthrie - Lenny Leonard
Both are pretty competent, serviceable starters, although Guthrie and Leonard stand a step or two below their superior partners.
Greg Holland - Snake
Greg Holland is a general bad ass, and while I don't think he has the rap sheet Snake does, the women seem to swoon over him just as much.
Wade Davis - Mayor Joe Quimby
For awhile, everyone hated him. Then everyone loved him. "Give em hell, Quimby!" Like Quimby, Davis is just untouchable now.
Kelvin Herrera - Itchy
Kelvin carves up opposing hitters the way Itchy carves up Scratchy.
Aaron Crow - Chief Clancy Wiggum
Whenever there is an emergency, Aaron Crow just seems to make things worse.
Francisley Bueno - Seymour Skinner
Not the Principal, but the original Seymour Skinner, the one that was in a POW camp and had his identity stolen by Armen Tanzarian. Like Bueno, he appeared in one just episode, then we all asked that no one remember that any of that ever happened.
Scott Downs - Poochie
A mid-season addition that causes everyone to groan when he appears on screen (note: Scott Downs died on his way back to his home planet).
Bruce Chen - Krusty the Clown
Well past their primes and just collecting checks at this point, both can still impress on rare occasion. Chen is slightly funnier than the sad clown though.
Ned Yost - Kent Brockman
Brockman is the pompous anchor of the news who thinks he knows everything, much like Ned comes off when addressing reporters.
Dayton Moore - Ned Flanders
They both have unwavering belief and want to do things the right way. Both have a way of annoying us. Okilly-dokilly!
David Glass - C. Montgomery Burns
