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Baseball Gods Furious at Intern Responsible for Royals' Success

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Years of subjugation has been undone by a single intern.

Hosmer, praying silently
Hosmer, praying silently
Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Aether City, Void--The enigmatic group of deities known to mortals as 'The Baseball Gods' were furious last week at new intern Arthur Dennings after the Kansas City Royals won their 7th straight series.

"Man, that kid, Dennings," representative Amy Crotchet lamented to reporters through a temporary wormhole to the lower planes of existence.  "We were sure we hired a great candidate, you know?  We were sure."  Crotchet explained that Dennings had done quite well at a very respected university, studying topics such as Non-Euclidian Geometry and How to Horrify under esteemed acadmic advisor and professor, Cthulu.  "He was absolutely the right candidate for handling the Kansas City Royals."

The Baseball Gods are an organization whose mission statement is 'To oversee and affect Major League Baseball according to whimsy and justice.' Even among demigods, their work is sometimes lauded and sometimes criticized.  Hercules, for instance, "loves what they're doing," and hopes they continue to help to order the Lower Realms.  However, Kratos is less kind.  "THEY ARE NOT WORTHY," he yells at a reporter before charging into battle with a gigantic broadsword.

Specifically, the Baseball Gods attempt, almost always successfully, to change the game in specific ways.  "We have departments that focus on causing players to make mistakes and whatnot," said Crotchet, citing Bill Buckner's seemingly inexplicable error in the 1986 World Series.  "We also have departments that focus on changing umpire's rulings, such as Game 6 of the 1985 World Series."  However, on a large scale level, there are managers who oversee each Major League team.

Charlie Smith, Head Manager of the league managers and sometimes creator of the northern lights, told reporters that most team managers have years of experience.  "The Yankees, yeah, they're a big deal; I even think Zeus guest managed them once before my time here.  But the Royals--they're a starter team, so we usually pass them off on the intern."  But why the Royals?  "I don't know why we decided it, exactly, but it's not difficult to continuously screw over a team year after year.  Hence the intern."

Unfortunately, intern Dennings failed.  This week, the Royals won their 7th straight series in a row, and got to 10 straight games in first place for the first time this since time immemorial (or so it seemed).  Furthermore, they are so late in the year that the damage will be difficult to undo.

"The last time this happened, in 2009, the manager in charge of the Royals came to work late a few times.  They got to 18-11.  Upper management quickly shut that one down, though.  Honestly, I felt bad for them,"  Dennings admitted.  "I thought, you know, maybe the Royals deserved to actually win.  Nobody could explain why.  They moved Dayton Moore to acquire Yuniesky Betancourt twice--twice!  So when I was put in charge of the Royals, I let a few things happen...though I did have to hurt Eric Hosmer to make it look realistic.  Still, they found out."

"How could we not find out?"  Crotchet raved as Perseus and Anubis set up a chess game in the corner.  "They got to 15 games above .500!  That's unacceptable.  We've prevented them from hitting more than 36 home runs in one season, inflicted Chris Getz upon them, and made their best-ever player crap his pants.  And now, in 2014, it is undone by an intern.  Unbelievable."

Though many questions still remained, including who would be the manager for the rest of the season, reporters were forced to leave due to a cosmic pop tart-eating contest.  As the last one stepped through the wormhole, he later reported hearing that, "the damage had been done.  Maybe this is the Royals' year after all," and saw Crotchet lift her head to the sky towards the Baseball Gods' Baseball Gods.