Please trade for Bartolo Colon!!!

After reading that headline, you might be thinking: Wait a minute. This doesn't seem like a great idea. I mean, Bartolo Colon is easily the coolest player in baseball, but c'mon, is finally doing the right thing and acquiring him really worth risking a portion of the team's future and maybe even their first playoff run in nearly 30 years?

The answer to your question is: Yes. It is worth it, please.

Bartolo Colon is AWESOME. Over the last two calendar years, he's pitched to a 1.76 ERA, a 33-14 record, and 13 wins above replacement level, according to FanGraphs. Pretty good, right?

Okay, two things. One, never mind the fact that those are actually Clayton Kershaw's stats. And two, it's fun to make jokes about Colon's physical appearance, but that's actually what makes him so exceptionally fantastic. You might think it's kind of funny that he's so very round and awkward, but if you were standing next to him when he threw a 90 mph slider, you'd look a lot sillier than he would because you'd probably immediately begin drool-stammering out some kind of Joycian stream-of-conciouisness manifesto about the rebirth of God in the form of a breaking ball.

It's not just that he should be pitching for your favorite team ... he needs to be.

Sure, the playoffs are pretty cool ... and man, I don't even know how to begin imagining what a World Series game at the K would be like, but held up against the sacramental luminosity of Bartolo Colon?

No contest.