I don't know if you know this, but there is a new Star Wars movie out this week. So we're going to capitalize on the attention given to the blockbuster phenomenon just like Ford, Burger King, Pottery Barn, Kraft, Adidas, Lucky Charms, Subway, Cover Girl, HP, Duracell, Pepsi, Dannon Yogurt, Match.com, Petsmart, Gatorade, Hugo Boss, Waffle House, and Ray Adams Toyota. Many Bothans died to give you this article.
Here are your Kansas City Royals as Star Wars characters.
Alex Gordon - Luke Skywalker
Alex was just a farm boy from Nebraska seeking adventure. He used to bullseye womprats with his cannon arm back home! He began his career in the trash compactor, but by the end he had bested them all. The only question is, will Alex appear in the next trilogy?
Eric Hosmer - Han Solo
Rogue. Cowboy. Scruffy. And just as he left for home in Game Five of the World Series where an easy throw by Lucas Duda would have given very little chance of scoring, he no doubt thought, "never tell me the odds."
Mike Moustakas - Chewbacca
Every cowboy needs a sidekick.
Salvador Perez - R2D2
He's adorable, resourceful, always seems to come through in the clutch. They both seem harmless and goofy, but just when you least expect it, they can take out a Super Battle Droid, or the Mets.
Lorenzo Cain - C3PO
Well of course R2D2 needs a comedic foil, and just as Artoo is always there to annoy C3PO, so is Salvy there to annoy Lorenzo Cain.
Wade Davis - Darth Vader
They are both the most intimidating character you will face. Both are now more machine than man.
"Obi Wan never told you the truth....I am the key to the Wil Myers trade."
Edinson Volquez - Obi Won Kenobi
Yordano Ventura - Young Annakin Skywalker
Edinson was supposed to be Yordano's mentor, taking him under his wing. But even he couldn't wrangle the reckless Yordano, who was supposed to be the Chosen One. Much like Annakin murdered a room full of young Padawan, Yordano nearly murdered Brett Lawrie by throwing a fastball at his back.
Ben Zobrist - Qui Gon Jinn
Both were boringly good, earnest people who quietly kicked ass. But ultimately we were all devastated and a bit surprised when their stories were cut short.
Johnny Cueto - Lando Calrissian
You could never fully trust Lando or Johnny Cueto. Things seemed safe until Johnny Cueto gave up more home runs than there are clouds in Cloud City. Then by the end, both totally redeemed themselves and came through when the team needed them the most.
Kendryrs Morales - Jabba the Hutt
Because he is a large man, you see.
Jeremy Guthrie - Yoda
Both are there for their veteran presence, to offer sage advice that doesn't really make any sense.
Alex Rios - Jar Jar Binks
At first, it seemed like Alex might be a good addition and he even gave us some chuckles with pratfalls like getting hit in the groin with a baseball. But it soon became clear he would be an annoyance. Sure, in the big battle near the end he lucked his way into hitting a few battle droids, but by the end you were just glad to be rid of him.
Ryan Madson - Boba Fett
Boba Fett seemed like such a bad ass. He had the coolest gear, he was a bounty hunter, and he seemed so mysterious. Where did he come from? What was his backstory? In the end though, he had about the lamest demise - getting his jet pack hit by a blind Han Solo, throwing him into the sarlacc pit. Similarly, Ryan Madson seemed like a dominant reliever much of the year with a bad ass change up, only to end the season giving up long home runs every time out, and ending up thrown in a pit worse than a sarlacc - Oakland.
Drew Butera - Wicket W. Warrick
Just as it seemed unimaginable that a band of cuddly teddy bears could win a battle against an empire with advanced technology, it also seemed unimaginable that Drew Butera could draw a clutch walk in a huge rally against the Houston Astros. To boot, both are cute with great hair.
Jarrod Dyson - Sebulba
That's what speed do.
Omar Infante - AT-ATs
Both seemed like a great idea at the time. Impenetrable walking tanks! A high-contact second baseman who can outhit Chris Getz! But both proved to go down easily.
Kelvin Herrera - That guy that tries to start a fight in the Mos Eisley cantina
He's a wanted man! He's got the death sentence on twelve systems! All for throwing a ball behind Brett Lawrie. Think about it!
Chris Young - Isn't he kind of already a Star Wars character?
Christian Colon - Nien Nunb
You didn't really notice him the entire trilogy and then when it mattes most, he's sitting shotgun with Lando Calrissian for the most important moment of the entire saga, blowing up the Death Star. Clutch!
Danny Duffy, Paulo Orlando, Luke Hochevar - I dunno, Stormtroopers?