Hawk Harrelson narrates a fight

In 1877 Thomas Edison recited lines from "Mary Had a Little Lamb" into the worlds first audio recorder. The next year, the Royal Institution in Britain read "Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle" in what could be regarded as the first audiobook.

What we cover today is on the same level as those brief stanzas that the Father of Sound spoke. Last night, for what is likely the 10,000th time in White Sox baseball, a fight broke out in a White Sox game. Players yelled, Chicagoans chanted "KC sucks!", yet Hawk Harrelson remained calm, collected, and jingoistic as always.

Harrelson is a noted and prestigious orator. One who creates Shakespeare-esque soliloquies, Melville like paragraphs, and holding a Vonnegut like view of this silly, silly world. Harrelson swore in President Obama after the 2012 election, gave the commencement speech of the 2008 Harvard graduating class, and hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner and Saturday Night Live in the same year.

Below you'll find a full transcript of Hawk's accounting of the fight. This is a truly master recording, due to be archived in many vaunted halls of different types of fame. Not since God spoke to Moses has a dialogue ever been so important.

Readers note: Hawk Harrelson is accompanied by Steve Stone, in what is Stone's 4th season "in the booth."

Ext - Chicago (cold but well light from stadium lights)

Adam Eaton hits the ball back to Yordano Ventura. Ventura turns to Eaton and yells something inaudible.

Hawk

Right back... *chuckles*

Stone

What's Ventura talking ab...

Hawk

I don't know?

Stone

What's he talking about?

Hawk

I have no clue...

Stone

That's absolutely absurd

Hawk

This...yeah

Stone

Guy hits a one hopper and you're really gonna get upset about that? And Moustakas now is taking Esc...taking Ventura off the field

Hawk

Now...Now you go on out there and you knew what was gonna happen. We said it was gonna happen in Kansas City. These two teams are gonna have some problems. Some altercations. Kansas City's been having 'em with Oakland, now they getting back with us.

Stone

Ned Yost is talking with Chris Sale. That's kind of an unusual situation. You don't see that- and now it breaks out again and this is a good one folks.

Hawk

Well there's gone be... just look for the outside because you're not gonna see much on the inside - cheap shots cause there's probably gonna be some.

Stone

Sure would like to see Chris Sale get out of there

Hawk

Now Yost, ought, Yost, I don't know what he was saying to Samardzija...

Stone

He was talking to Chris Sale

Hawk

I mean Sale...The only thing he shoulda been saying was "get outta here!" If he was trying to provoke anything, he oughta have his behind beat.  Samardz-

Stone

Now here he-

Hawk

Samardz-

Stone

Here he goes again

Hawk

Well we have seen some of this happening... We saw it in Kansas City, we saw it coming...

Stone

There's Gio Soto who is teammates with Samardzija with the Cubs, and with Oakland, and now here with the Sox so he's out there trying to calm him down...

Hawk

Abreu's trying to be a peacemaker out there.

Stone

Now Samardzija, apparently somebody said something to him and Jeff took exception to him and there is a wild swing and... can't tell who it was, but he was obviously swinging at Jeff Samardzija because he just missed him.

Hawk

Well I'm sure if any of those guys wanna piece of Samardzija, he'll be...he'll be happy to oblige

Stone

*chuckles* Okay and the last out-

Hawk

Here's the whole thing right here...

The broadcasters watch the replay of Ventura mouthing something to Eaton

Hawk

Oh-ho-ho

Stone

...staring at Adam Eaton

Hawk

You saw what said?

Stone

Yeah I did...umm...lip reading is one of my specialities. And Adam Eaton can-

Hawk

Well that's just-

Stone

Incredulous-

Hawk

Ah Ventura that's just absolute stupidity...That's all that is, sheer stupidity on that guy. I tell you what he keeps that stuff up he gone, he gone get his behind whipped.

Stone

Well everybody is headed back to their respective bullpens and everybody is going to their respective dugouts. And so, we'll step out and-

Hawk

We'll be back...

Camera fades to commercial. Stock rock-n-roll music plays out the broadcast. A Viagra commercial is shown

End Scene