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Royals ride Hosmer [three-run] dong to 5 - 3 victory over Cleveland

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The Son of God leads the extra-base hit parade, keying victory over the future Halifax Highlanders.

Let me see your dong-da-dong-dong-dong
Let me see your dong-da-dong-dong-dong
Peter G. Aiken-USA TODAY Sports

If a person were only to have seen the first inning of tonight's game, he or she would likely have assumed that it was the first of nine chapters of The Dong Show.

The Racists came to the plate in the top of the first, and by the time cleanup hitter Ryan Rayburn (what?) stepped into the box, Cleveland sported a two-run lead thanks to a dong hanging of the two-run variety from the hard wood of Michael Brantley's bat. Rayburn and Brandon Moss both went down to follow the Brantley dong, but it took Royals' starter Jason Vargas 11 pitches to take care of them, giving the aforementioned theoretical viewer who only watched through the first inning the distinct impression that the Cleveland nine (who are obviously in the feeling-things-out stage of a move to the Maritime Provinces) were about to kick off a prolific show of dong-hanging feats of strength.

Not to be left out of The Dong Show, Eric Hosmer stepped to the plate in the bottom of the first with Alex Gordon and Kendrys Morales on base and hung a massive dong to deep center field against a pitcher who has only given up seven home runs in his career against lefties. Of course, two of those seven have been from the firm lumber that Eric Hosmer stepped into the box sporting.

Unfortunately for enthusiasts of long balls, it would be seven long innings of little scoring and less excitement before another dong was hung. Jason Vargas and Danny Salazar both righted their respective ships. Salazar yielded a fifth-inning ground-ball triple up the first-base line to lead things off. Dyson scored two batters later giving the Royals a 4 - 2 lead.

That was the extent of the scoring until the top of the eighth inning, when Kelvin Herrera served up a meatball, which Lonnie Chisenhall put wood on, hanging a moonshot of a dong 451 feet to deep right field and closing the gap to a mere single run.

Nursing a one-run lead with Cool Stuff warming up, Alex Gordon led off the home half by drawing a walk from Cleveland future Halifax southpaw Nick Hagadone. After Mike Moustakas and Kendrys Morales failed to move Gordon to a further station, Eric Hosmer, the Son of God, roped a triple into the corner in right field, plating Alex Gordon. He is Risen!

With a 5 - 3 lead, Wade Davis entered the scrum, and as any good Calvinist understands, a baseball team--and this is especially true for the Racists--can only dream of free will and control over one's destiny when Cool Stuff is toeing the rubber. Davis elected to allow Brandon Moss to single on a grounder to right, but this is the baseball equivalent of a cagey tiger letting a blind mouse with two legs think it escaped his grasp. It's a cruel tease sure to lead to even more disappointment than would otherwise have been experienced. Davis struck out Joanna Garcia's husband on a 97-MPH fastball, and the Royals left the field victors.

Jason Vargas actually pitched respectably tonight. He allowed four baserunners in six innings--two by walks, two by hits (one the aforementioned hung dong)--striking out five, while allowing two earned runs. The Royals amassed eight baserunners, six by hits, one when Alex Gordon walked in the eighth, and one by a first-inning hit-by-pitch that put Kendrys Morales aboard to set the stage for the Son of God's dong.

The Royals are one win and two losses shy of an 18 - 11 record. The world watches on fearfully.

Following the Tigers' loss tonight on the South Side, the Royals stand atop the AL Central by half a game once again.