Omar Infante is hitting .222, which is bad. Infante has 0 home runs, which is bad. Infante has walked three times this year in 165 chances, which is bad. Meanwhile, the Royals have another player on the roster who might be a great, seamless replacement--Christian Colon. Colon has played good defense and has an on base percentage over 120 points better than Infante. He's also just 26 years old and a former first-round pick.
610 Sports Radio talked to Ned Yost yesterday morning at 9:00 as they always do on Wednesdays, and they asked Ned this question.
Um, no thought? At all?
Yeah, ok, Ned, that probably counts as a thought, but whatever. Let's just assume the Royals can't use Colon and also assume that they purchased no laxatives to help move along the issue. It's ok. Don't panic. The Royals can still improve Infante. Here's how.
1. PUT INFANTE ON A GLUTEN-FREE DIET
Look, Infante just isn't in the best shape of his life. He's 33 and halfway to 34. It's totally natural that Infante should be having some problems. But you know what will help? Not gluten, that's what. Reportedly, Infante is a ravenous consumer of jaffa cakes, and his rapid and violent arm motion from hand to box is why he has bone spurs in his elbow. Remove the gluten, remove the bone spurs. Checkmate, nerds.
Plus, gluten does other terrible things to your body:
- Gluten causes scurvy
- Gluten allows for the atrocity of St. Louis pizza
- Gluten causes walk rates to dramatically fall
- Gluten disrupts domes
This is a really easy thing for the Royals to do. After a detox period, Omar Infante will be as good as new. We can only hope a gluten-free lifestyle will help Infante overcome poor play.
2. CYBORGIFY INFANTE
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing in the player's agreement, Infante's contract, or MLB rules that prohibit the use of robotic parts. Here is the total mention of robotics in any of those documents:
That's not invisible ink, that's nothing. Zero. Nada. Just like Infante's offensive contributions to the club.
The Royals are already using cyborgs in their bullpen; how else can you explain Greg Holland, Wade Davis, and Kelvin Herrera? Cyborg parts have apparently been added to Chris Young, Ryan Madson, and Luke Hochevar. It's only a matter of time for Infante.
In fact, I've got a mock-up of the cyborg revolution in baseball:
It's really simple; just replace all of Infante's parts with better ones. Sure, Infante may end up looking like Gunhead here, but he's shiny and blue, just like the Royals' American League Championship flag.
3. GIVE INFANTE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS
Wait...we've been down this road before. Uh, never mind.
4. INFANTE MUST BELIEVE IN HIMSELF
They say that 50% of the game is 90% mental. By my calculations, this makes baseball 140% mental. Compared to the -40% part of baseball that is physical, mental approach is extremely important.
Infante just does not have his mojo. You can tell when he steps up to the plate--the detached stare towards the pitcher, the quivering left eyebrow on Thursdays, the swings and misses on Louis Coleman sliders from Omaha. There are a couple ways Infante can improve his mental game. The first comes from our very own Ned Yost:
"I do not allow negative thoughts into my mind," Yost said one day last week. "If they start creeping in, I stop it. Kick ’em out."
Asked for a demonstration of this practice, his hands gripped his chair. His head shook. His eyes bulged. "Stop!" he shouted.
In this case, Infante can perhaps grip the closest official's supple, strong hand as he purges the negativity from his body. That will allow him to relax and firmly stroke the ball for a score.
Infante can also employ the esteemed Shia Archibald Labeouf as his personal trainer.
Don't let your dreams stay dreams, Infante.
We need you.